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Do not suffer - seek help - 12th January 2020

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Written by Rita Aggarwal
Sunday, 04 October 2020 17:39

 

“Do not suffer- seek help”

Basic learner,

Q. I am 36 years old and since childhood I have lots of fear in my mind when I have to meet strangers and specially talk to women/girls. Even when I am working and having a job the fear of people continues. I feel I might do something wrong if I take a step forward. Now because of this I have developed problems in my stomach. I feel shy to talk to people even now. I read your column and thought I should come and meet you. Please help me madam.

Ans. It is surprising and extremely unfortunate that you should suffer such a situation since childhood and that you have not treated the malady in spite of being 36 years of age. That is a long period of suffering which has impacted your social life, your personal life and even your physical health as you have developed psychosomatic problems. There are easy solutions to such psychological problems and I am glad to have taken the initiative now at last. You should come for training of management of fear and anxiety and also training and development of social skills. You should call me on mobile number 9823073986 and fix an appointment as soon as possible. You will be fine and begin to enjoy life much more than before. Nobody should suffer for so long.

BVN

Q. I have passed my engineering from a good college with good enough marks. Now I am confused whether I should do an MBA or an M. tech? I know the difference but don’t know what to choose and what will be better for me. Actually, I am not interested in engineering at all. I was deeply interested in photography and drawing. I would sketch and would click photos of people and landscape. But now I need to make a career somehow and my parents want me to continue with the same line. Should I come for guidance and counselling? Please give time and date for this. Please help soon.

Ans. A face to face will help us understand the details of your likes, dislikes, desires and interests in a better manner. It is surprising that you did not choose the degree of your choice and followed the dictates of your parents. You seem to be a good natured and intelligent person who is also submissive and docile. You did not assert your self and your choices and in spite of that did well in the engineering course. I can only give one suggestion right away and that is MBA is a better choice between the two choices of MBA and M. Tech because the latter is an advanced technical program and the former is about management. Please call and take an appointment for a detailed discussion and future planning of your career.

VM

Q. I live in another town and want to know if you help with problems in marriage? I was happily married with two children for 15 years and now the stress is unbearable. There are many small issues which I have been ignoring and continuing with my life for sake of children and family. Now one big issue is troubling me and not going from my mind. My husband cheated on me and I caught him with the other woman. He has done this not once but twice and I did not know about the first time. All my strength is gone and I remain depressed and irritated. I shout at the children and don’t talk to my husband. He is saying sorry but how can I believe him? I pray to God for strength but nothing is working. Can you help me on phone as I cannot come to Nagpur alone and leave my children behind. Please help madam.

Ans. This is so unfortunate. The trauma of being cheated by a spouse is heavy indeed and needs a lot of mature handling. Yes, we offer tele-counselling services through phone and it could be done through Skype or Whatsapp. A video call is also possible so that we can have a face to face. We offer these services globally. You would need to call on the mobile number mentioned, take a suitable time and date, make the payment in advance through internet and start. This would save your time of travelling to Nagpur. Please call as soon as possible.

 

Last Updated ( Sunday, 04 October 2020 18:19 )

Handle with a mature mind - 29 December 2019

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Written by Rita Aggarwal
Saturday, 03 October 2020 14:46

 

“Handle with a mature mind”

XYZ, Jabalpur

Q. My son is in 10th Std and preparing for his Board exams. He is not studying with concentration and keeps watching TV and playing mobile games. He was a good student till 8th Std and was working hard. I don’t know what has happened to him now. He does not listen, keeps arguing with me and tells me not to worry. But I know he is not studying like a normal student should and I don’t know if he will pass with good marks. He is also confused about his future career and sometimes says one thing and then another. Should I bring him for counselling? Please let me know your details of how to take an appointment.

Ans. This is serious and needs attention. Your worry as a parent is natural and necessary. You would need to understand why the decline started in the first place in 8th Std. There could be number of reasons for such a decline at such an age. The first and simplest explanation is that he is distracted due to involvement with technology and the development of bad habits such as gaming on mobile and watching and passing time with TV. If he is not worried about his decline- being a good student in the past- it is yet a bad sign of something serious. He might be addicted to it by now for it almost two years he is indulging in it. The second reason is the fact that he finding some specific difficulty in some subject(s), such as science and maths, social studies or languages. If this is the case get him a tutor at home for the subject, after discussions. The confusion about choice of career could be due to this fact of difficulty in subjects. We can help with an aptitude test for career planning. The third reason could be a mild order depression that must have crept in without the knowledge of anyone. This needs attention immediately. Please call up on the numbers mentioned here and fix an appointment on a suitable date and time. Don’t worry- we will take care of it.

Alisha.

Q. I love a boy since school and we were planning for marriage. I love him very much and he too loves me a lot. We are best friends and always chatting and sharing everything about each other. We are both working people and have good careers and are ambitious. Now suddenly he has an offer for going abroad for better job and future. He is very happy about the new job and I am also happy for him. But I fear he will go away from me and I will lose him. He is very excited about it and keeps talking about it. He says he will look for a job for me too but I don’t know why I am feeling he should not go for this job. My parents may not allow me to go abroad for work and if he does not come back from abroad, we will separate it seems. This thought is worrying me a lot and I can’t sleep with this idea. Please guide me madam.

Ans. This type of a situation may generally generate some anxiety as your life will certainly change once he leaves the country and goes for better opportunity. You feel your life has suddenly taken a turn since it was so set and steady since school days. You both have a long history of friendship and love and according to me the bonds don’t break so easily with one twist of fate. It certainly changes colour and the dynamics of the relationship changes but it all depends on how mature both of you are and how deep is your understanding with each other. If you understand the nature and needs of his personality and have faith and trust in him then things will move in the correct way and path. Both of you are ambitious and want to work hard for a good future. One suggestion could be to marry before he leaves for his new job, is he so agrees with it. If he does not want to marry now, then trust him and let him go. He will work out something for you as well as both of you. Stop worrying and put your faith in him. Your excessive worry and doubt should not become a source of dampness for him, so cheer up and participate in his happiness. Look forward to better times and accept thigs as they come. If you handle the situation with a mature mind, it will go a long way for you and him both.

 

Last Updated ( Saturday, 03 October 2020 14:49 )

Deal with your anxieties - 22 December 2019

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Written by Rita Aggarwal
Saturday, 03 October 2020 14:43

 

“Deal with your anxieties”

WW

Q. I have a strange problem and please don’t laugh at me. I am a young girl going to college and doing fairly well in studies. I have good home and parents and no problem in life. But I am not keeping happy all the times. Many times I feel worried and sad also. I worry for silly things as bad thoughts start coming to my head. I don’t know how to solve this and how to understand myself. Please help me. Do I need counselling -then I am ready to visit you too.

Ans. You seem to be having symptoms of anxiety in a generalised way. You worry for small and insignificant things and it has become a routine feature. If this is happening frequently and for silly reasons or for no reasons then you will need counselling and therapy. If this has begun recently, we can treat it faster and get you back to a normal and happy self and if is a long-standing problem it will take time and a bit more sessions and effort to get rid of it. However, do not worry too much about this too as it can be dealt with nicely and simply well. It is not a big issue or problem but the problem may have sparked off with some event or situation that generated enough anxiety for you. Learn to engage yourself in activities that are less anxiety provoking and are more on the happier side for you. Do things that make you happy and relaxed and feel better. Stay with people you like and love and avoid the ones that irritate you or distress you. Come for a few sessions whenever you have time. However, do not delay too much.

ZY

Q. I belong to a very good family but only one problem makes me sad and irritated. After the marriage of my brother all is not well at home. We are living together for some time till my brother will change his job and go away to another city. This may happen very soon but the issues between us makes me sad. My sister-in-law does not like my close relations with my brother. He is my elder brother and treats me like a daughter. He is very loving and caring and shares with me almost everything. Now I feel the change and I feel like crying all the time. He is now not so loving and spends time with his wife more and is planning to go away to a bigger city. I will lose my brother mam and I was the one person who was most happy for his marriage. I thought I will have two people who will love me but I think she (my SIL) does not like me too much and wants to stay away. Kindly help me solve my problem.

Ans. Hey! Take it easy. Do not read too much too soon! A new marriage is a very demanding life event. If this was an ‘arranged marriage’ of your brother then the situation is all the more delicate and sensitive. Forget your brother and SIL for some time so to say (metaphorically) and allow them to know each other and settle down. Occupy yourself with your friends and hobbies. Your brother and ‘bhabhi’ will thank you and bless you for your sense of maturity and good handling of the difficult situation. I know and understand your emotions and sentiments that you feel like a ‘secondary person’ and not the primary loved one in the life of your brother. You also hence feel left out and angry. You also want to blame your SIL for taking him away from you. She may not like your possessive attitude and your childish behaviour -that’s all. She may not be trying to steal him away from you. Remember, it takes years for a couple to settle and more for the new member (the bride) to adjust to the new family. If you help them do that effectively by being the understanding and matured sister they will bless you and love you even more in the long run. Let the couple spend more time with each other so that they develop good bonds of love and affection. Keep away from them and allow then enough space to enjoy freely their life. Give them freedom of action and thought and let them be together. A marriage becomes a ‘primary relationship’ and the other relationships in the family become secondary. This does not mean that the bonds get weak or diluted but they definitely undergo changes. Change is a way of life and imperative -so be prepared and be a good sister.

 

Last Updated ( Saturday, 03 October 2020 14:46 )

Depression disrupts good behaviour - 15th December 2019

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Written by Rita Aggarwal
Saturday, 03 October 2020 14:41

 

“Depression disrupts good behaviour”

Anonymous,

Q. I am losing my sleep and feeling irritated all the time. I feel like running away from home. I love my mother and don’t like my father although I love him. He keeps shouting many times for small reasons and gets violent with my mother. She tries to keep calm and quiet but she has started crying a lot. I feel helpless very much and want to take my mother away. My father has no bad habits of drinking or smoking etc but bullies my mother a lot. He is getting worse this year has been very bad for us. I am the only child and my childhood was a happy one. Past few years he has suffered losses in his business and is becoming difficult to live with. For small mistakes he picks fault and fights with my mother. Please tell me what to do madam- I need some counselling myself. It is affecting my studies badly.

Ans. This is an unfortunate situation for you and your mother. I guess you are the only child of your parents and hence feel responsible for your mother. It is good to know that you had a happy childhood which also means that your father was a good and well-behaved man earlier. You also mention that he suffered losses in business and that could be the sparking point for his bad behaviour with mother. It must have started on a small scale with irritation and anger which has escalated to fault finding on small and trivial issues and violence too. This could be signs of depression and something more than too. We need to discuss more details of his behaviour with you and your mother to understand the finer nuances of his illness. At most times mental illness or mental disturbances creep in silently without anyone noticing the changes and people typically start blaming the personality of the person. But when a generally well-behaved person begins to show changes in behaviour which are negative and mal-adaptive, we need to suspect a disorder. He can be treated with medicines and counselling too if he agrees to come. Before you think of drastic measures of leaving home and running away or taking your mother away leaving alone your father, lets think of a solution where you don’t break relationships and lose your father. Treating your father is a better option than breaking the family.

T.D,

Q. I read your "Emotion" column through Hitavada Insight newspaper and I need your help regarding my problem. I am a student of class XI, I scored 96.6% in my board examination, I thought I am pretty much good in studies, but as I reached my class XI, I found myself losing my faith in myself because I get less marks in tests and that dedication towards study. I am still trying hard to get myself back but it seemed I can't. What should I do? Please help me.

Ans. First we need to understand the reasons for your lowering of marks in tests and your loss of faith in self and your loss in dedication in studies. The three could be inter-related too. One reason could be the choice of subjects made by you- it might not be of your interest too much and therefore you are losing interest and dedication to it. Find out by being truthful to yourself through introspection if you have chosen the right subjects of study. The second common reason is distraction- to something else which is robbing you of your focus on studies. Distractions could be in the form of friendships, hedonism (meaning wanting to have a good time), wanting a break from serious studies for you scored very high in 10 th Boards, (it happens that students relax in 11 std due to lack of pressure, (there are no Board exams in 11th ) and other distractions. Thirdly, you might be stressed due to some reason and may want a break and relief. I hope you are not depressed due to some reason (depression is a lowering of mood and energy levels). Do introspect and analyse the reasons or else come for a session of counselling and we will help you solve the problem.

 

Last Updated ( Saturday, 03 October 2020 14:43 )
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