“Emotional dilemmas” 2 January 2022
ABC
Q. I feel guilty. Am I doing wrong madam? I am in contact with my old flame whom I was to marry but did not due to family problems. I loved her and she liked me and did not know my feelings then how much I loved her. My desires were pure and even now I am pure in heart and action. I love my family and children. I take care of my parents who stay with me. I am married for 15 years. One day I met her on social media and she sent me her number. I am not meeting her –we are only chatting on phone and sharing our thoughts. I like talking to her and feel very light. I am a simple God fearing person. Sometimes I feel guilty for my wife. She is a very good lady and takes care of my home, parents and children. Sometimes she has no time for me I feel. She does not neglect me and I am very lucky to have married her. She gave me stability and good life. But something about my old flame is there in my mind. I loved her very much from college. Is talking cheating my wife?
Ans. This seems a little complex. Let me try to simplify it for you. Perhaps you have not told your wife about your past story about your love for the other lady and your desire to marry her. This secret makes you uncomfortable? You have certainly not confided in your wife about your phone chatting with your old flame and that is making you feel guilty? As a rule, exclusive male female friendships and chatting is ‘not allowed’ as it is considered ‘wrong’, until and unless your wife is either part of it and knows about it and approves. Normally, there should not be any secrets between spouses. That must be making you feel guilty even though your friendship is platonic in nature. The second reason and the primary one could be the silent ‘re-kindling’ of the feeling of love which was suppressed and buried but not forgotten. This becomes actually just a phantasy which is a good escape from reality. I don’t know for sure, I am only offering explanations for the emotional dilemma you have mentioned. Sort it out in your mind, don’t get emotionally involved with your ex-flame, decrease the calls and slow it down. Don’t talk about your emotions and the past emotions. Just simply chat once a while and feel good about it.
Anonymous.
Q. My son was to be married to the girl of his choice. They were class mates and were friendly for long years. We were opposed to the girl initially for we thought the marriage would not last long. They did not seem suited to each other. Then we agreed and made the arrangements for the engagement ceremony. That went off peacefully but after that differences arose between them. She found fault with our family and felt some negative aspects which she told her parents and our son too. She is continuing to complain and the boy continues to explain things to her. I am tired of this conflicting relationship between the two as my wife and me keep listening to his story which changes daily. One day is good and one day is breaking point. My wife and me have told my son to take a final call on the marriage. He is determined but the girl is not. She says yes and then no. My son remains angry and unhappy many times and throws his anger at us too. We have nothing to do with all this. We want to see him happy and that is not happening. I hope he does not get into depression due to this girl. She is influencing his mind and life. Should I send them for counselling? Should I send my son for counselling first? Please help him in whichever way you feel is good for him. I don’t stay at Nagpur, so can we do a online consultation? I can then send him to meet you personally. Please advise.
Ans. Yes, counselling will help your son take stock of the situation and make a fresh assessment of the girl and her temperament. He should be prepared for the future with her in marriage. It is important that he comes first and after the meeting we could call both of them together. There could be some personality traits in the girl that need evaluation and correction. Yes, online consultation is possible. Contact me on….rita_aggarwal@hotmail.com or call me on 98823073986 for an appointment. Rest assured –we will do our best.
