“Men and Women” 28 November 2021

Shubreet Kaur

Q. I had an affair 10 years ago, we were in relation. He broke with me due to incompatibility, I got married but divorced due to domestic violence, other issues. Recently I saw him on social media and contacted him. He is not responding to my messages but stalking, even my message box is full with messages like, miss your ex, do you still love your ex from unknown sources. I only wanted to resolve some misunderstanding that’s why I contacted but I don’t want him as boyfriend again. What will be the right step?

Ans. I am you are not feeling comfortable with his bad behaviour and are in fact angry with his stalking you and writing obnoxious messages from unknown sources. You know what you have to do with a person like this- BLOCK him instantly. It is actually surprising and baffling as to why he should behave this way at all? You might try to remember his character when you were together in a relation –was he secretive, dis-honest, insincere, cheating on you and such things? He was the one who broke off with you on grounds of incompatibility and it is clear even today that he does not want your association. So find someone else and make friends with different groups. A second marriage will be a good option for you rather than a friendship. Wish you all the best.

Q. My husband is having an affair and I came to know about it recently. My mind is destroyed and I feel like dying. We have grown up children and my son now also knows about it. He was angry and ashamed of his father. He called up the lady and shouted at her. She also has big children and said your husband keeps phoning her all the time and troubles her. My husband denies everything and says she is just my friend and we chat only. But now people from the area are telling me many stories. His friends also confided in me and confirmed me the truth. This is going on since quite some time. I don’t know what to do –I am going mad and sleep whole day. I have lost weight and lost interest in all activities. I never thought he will do this. He has been a very good husband all these years and very loving and caring. I love him and care for him. My children are very good and are equally upset with him. I cannot think properly and divorce seems strange. My world is finished. Please help and give me advice.

Ans. This is a very difficult situation for you and I can empathise with you about it. There are not many options but a few I can suggest. One is first, to take charge of your own mind and life. Get up and start your normal activities in the home. It’s your home that you have built, your children that you have brought up and your husband who has gone astray. Keep yourself active by exercising for health and fitness, it will help you get rid of depressive feelings too. Eat a good healthy diet, watch your regular TV serials and start your normal routine. You may stop talking to your husband and put some conditions for opening the dialogue. One is an honest confession from him about the truth, which will make you feel better and second is to ask him his future plans. If he plans to continue the friendship with the lady, which is unacceptable to you, you will have to give him an option like separating out into different rooms or a separate accommodation. But be sure you say what you mean to implement and execute. So think hard of your choices before you communicate with him. Know what you can do the circumstances, and do not destroy yourself. You can suggest counselling to him too. This is a challenge which you can overcome nicely as your children are on your side and your husband is not a young person and nor is his friend a single woman. If he says sorry and promises to stop it all, forgive him and get back to life.