“Do not succumb to unholy pressures”- 29 November 2015.

XYZ.

Q. I am a housewife and aged around 40 years old. I have a problem with my husband. He is good to me but recently I came to know that he lies a lot. I had a clue that he may be doing so but I was not sure and I always trusted him and believed him. Now I came to know that he having an affair with someone who is much younger to him. He stays away from home longer and comes back late. He comes in good mood and I feel bad about myself and my son. Nowadays my son has started noticing a change in me, he sees me crying and getting irritated with him. He is a lovely child. I don’t know what to do. Should I leave him and go to my parents? Will he change and when? How should I behave with him?

Ans. This is a difficult situation truly and choices are not many. Leaving a marriage is a major decision and staying in a dishonest and unloved marriage is equally tough. It is an emotional torture. And you are a housewife which means you stay at home whole day and do not have a career as an outlet for your energies. What you need to do is to introspect deeply and think of your true and possible choices. Threatening him with consequences will not help until you are able to execute those choices. A better way is to keep calm, tell him you know what he is up to and what decision he wants to take. That might help you in making up your mind what you should be doing. If he promises to reform himself (which he is going to say!) then give your marriage a chance and stay back. Change in a personality is a difficult proposition. Do not upset yourself more than you already have and wait and watch for how the picture unfolds. Do not be in a hurry either way.

Anonymous,

Q. My boyfriend is very demanding. I do not like it but he forces me to do things which I feel guilty about. Madam I am in trouble and losing sleep. I love him a lot and he is a good boy. He is very loving and caring and he talks to me a lot. We talk for six or seven hours every day. My father caught me with the telephone bill and the amount was very heavy. I got a big scolding from my parents but I told them lies that I will stop it. Now he is planning to gift me a phone so that we can talk safely but he wants some things from me. He is elder to me by some years and I am still studying. Please guide me –I cannot share this with my parents as they are already angry with me. Please tell me what to do. I do not want to go the wrong way. I don’t want to spoil my life as I want to be a successful person and make a big name for myself.

Ans. You seem to be a sensible girl and have understood that he is demanding and forces you to do things against your nature and morality. I am glad that you are not succumbing to his pressures and disrespectful demands. Please do not give in at any cost. Just say a very big NO and stay quiet. You can keep the friendship going till you think it is worth otherwise some day you might have to end it gracefully. Love is not everything in life there are many other considerations. I am happy to hear of your higher goals and keep focused on that. Be wise and live sensibly.

PC.

Q. I am 32 years old. I got married 2 years ago. I don’t love my husband at all. My parents forced me to marry him because he is of the same caste. I already love someone else and I am in a relationship with him. I cannot lie to my husband anymore and I want to settle down with the man I love. I know if I separate with my husband, my parents will stop talking to me. I don’t want that to happen. I am very confused, please help me. How should I tell this to my parents and my husband?

Ans.  This is a real mess you have allowed to be created. You should have told your parents before you got married. Now it seems a bit too late. Try adjusting with your husband and try to understand each other before you take any drastic measures. Alternately I could suggest a few sessions of counselling with you and later with your husband as well if you feel.