“Draw a line and control your reaction”- 1 July 2012
XYZ
Q. My friend is in love with a girl who does not love him but he expects her to love him back. He is constantly engaged in making her happy. He is very simple and all his friends take advantage of his simplicity. He cannot concentrate in studies and has lost out on a lot of academics. His parents are very angry with him so his brother is getting all the attention. He is very lonely. Please help him.
A. Your concern for your friend is really sweet. And from what you have said, it looks like he’s a very simple and submissive. It’s good to be simple but submissiveness is not good. It often comes with low self esteem, low confidence, need for acceptance and a need to please people. Helping others is good but the important question is at what cost and till what extent. Your friend needs to draw a line, learn to be rational and practical and learn to say a no. Some personality development and/or counselling may have long term benefits.
Q. I am getting frustrated over a guy’s behaviour. Sometimes he flirts with me (texting), says sweet things, says ‘love u’ and comes up with nicknames for me but then he plays hot and cold! I don’t know what he really feels about me. We are friends now but he once considered me as his girlfriend. I didn’t pay attention to his talks. What should I do, I kind of like him, but also know that he is not my sort of a guy. How should I get over him?
A. I am a little unclear here about how and why did he consider you as his girlfriend! However, if he expresses his feelings so clearly to you saying that he loves you and acts as someone who’s more than a friend then his intention is very clear. He could be acting cold sometimes because he isn’t sure as to how you feel and fears rejection. He might become clearer and more constant in his interactions if you reciprocate. You say you have started liking him but he’s not suitable. It’s good that you have recognised this and want to come out of it. You have to set your priorities right and revise them often. If you concentrate on your important goal then it will affect you less. Also, you should cut yourself out from him slowly and firmly.
XYZ
Q. My elder sister is very short tempered and picks up an argument on trivial matters. She vents out her anger by throwing things and doesn’t care how valuable they are! She doesn’t behave in a mature way. When we tried to speak to her about it she got more upset. She is otherwise a sensitive, caring and loving girl. But her anger worries us all. Please guide.
A. Anger is a root as well as a reaction of many problems, and hence, I can understand your concern. Not only is it important to control anger but it’s also important to identify particular factors that trigger it! For any kind of anger management, it is important that your sister herself recognizes her angry reactions, realises that they are harmful and not always appropriate and must be willing to work on modifying them. Relaxation of mind, along with rigorous sports, meditation clubbed with gym and physical exercise would help a lot! If not sports and gym then she can also get into any dance forms or martial arts. Counselling shall be extremely beneficial.
ADI.
Q. I have great desire for success and fame and I know that I have the potential to make it big. I don’t fear hard work but I feel that I am not appreciated enough and hence have lower self esteem. I am not satisfied or happy with any of my achievements, I don’t enjoy my social and family life and I am always tensed and scared of I don’t know what! How to get out of it?
A. It’s very good and healthy to be highly focussed and achievement oriented. Your need for more, need for success and achievement are your biggest strength. There’s no stopping a highly motivated girl as you. Only your perfectionism and negative thinking can pull you down and get you frustrated. And I think, this is exactly what is happening to you. You need to give up deterministic thinking. There is never anything that you definitely must or should do. Your expectations and your goals must always be realistic, self motivating, self-rewarding and challenging enough for achievement. Your dissatisfaction from your performance could be a result of under-performance, injustice, unrewarding achievement, low goal setting. Once all these criteria are fulfilled then achievement is followed by satisfaction and happiness. Best of luck!
