Keep a rational perspective of the past – 27 June 2010

A.M.M (via email)

Q. My problem is that one guy of my class likes me but I never paid attention towards him but now after my school is over I remember him all the time but there is no way to meet him now he is gone forever and I can’t forget him. Please help me.

Ans. Nobody is gone forever. You never know you might just bump into him one fine day! It happens that you realize things late and then regret. But that is how life happens to all. The best thing to do is to feel happy with your good memories that there was someone who liked you. It is not necessary to get into an affair and take an experience that you may have to regret. You are too young to worry about guys and affairs. You have a long way to go and you would meet many good people on the way. Look forward to life and first of all your studies and your career.  

M.M (via email)

Q. I am in a serious problem. When I was a child I was sexually abused by my maternal uncle many times. Time healed almost everything. But some days ago my husband came to know about this. He is not talking to me since then. I am again feeling depressed. Those memories are again haunting me. Please tell me what to do. I am in serious dilemma. I am scared that our marriage won’t last. I am having a thought that since my uncle has died two years ago should I go to a hypnotist and erase all those horrible memories. Can you suggest some good hypnotherapist? Please help me as I fear my life will be destroyed.

Ans. What you need is to undergo psychotherapy for yourself as well as your marriage. Your husband needs help too. He may be feeling traumatized with all the bad news. Give him time to heal himself by absorbing it and praying for well being of all. Your husband will soon realize that you were an innocent child victim and you are/ were not guilty at all. He should be able to see the entire episode rationally. He needs to stop reacting emotionally to it and needs to calm down and live in the present. Meanwhile have patience and pray that good sense will prevail and your life will be as normal as before.  

Anonymous (via email)

Q. I am 27 years old. I married in a rich and reputed family. Ii have a 4 year old daughter and five years have completed for my marriage. From then I am adjusting myself in this family. I tried my best to do each and everything whatever they say. But day by day I feel that I can’t continue this marriage because of restrictions and mental tension. I love my hubby but he never say anything to his parents. My father in law is a drinker and no one dared to talk with him. My hubby told me that just ignore him. My in-law’s restrict me a lot. They don’t want me to go to my mother’s home or anywhere at all. They don’t want me to speak to my parents, friends and relatives on phone. They stopped my studies also because they don’t want me to go outside even. I am doing distance learning an MCA course. They always give me sarcastic comments and speak a lot & give mental tension. In the family no one properly talks with me. I am feeling lonely. I want to live with my hubby and he too wants to. This is happening with me from 25 years or more. What should I do?

Ans. I would suggest your husband takes a decision to move out into a separate apartment and live peacefully and as you wish. Parents should realize that they cannot dominate and dictate to their children all their lives especially when they mature marry and have children of their own. Nobody should dictate to others (adults) how to live their lives. Joint family living is a happy experience only when there is mutual respect for each other and also when each couple has enough privacy and freedom for personal activities. It is time to move out. You could always take care of parents when they need your help. Assure them that you are there for them.

Published in The Hitavada Emotions Column – 27 June 2010

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