“Evolve into a resilient person” 27 October 2024.
Q. I just got engaged to a handsome man and he seemed nice and intelligent. Now I am having doubts as he is not picking up my phone immediately and does not call back soon. He keeps saying he is busy in the shop and many customers are there. I know it is not true as he is the owner and not employee. I am from a simple family where my father was in service in government sector and mother was a teacher. This is a business family and they have long working hours I know. But he had promised me that he will find time. Now my anxiety is growing and I am imagining things! Please help me.
Ans. Yes, it seems to be a natural anxiety about marriage. Most people experience it as the days come nearer. The anxious mind fills itself with fears, worries and doubts about small little things and expand them into bigger things. I cannot say for sure anything about his behavior and his nature. If you see any major change in his behavior then, you may like to discuss it out with him and get it cleared. If it is quite usual for him to behave this way, then he is what he is. He having a different culture because he belongs to a business family and you are used to another set of life -style, does call for different set of expectations. Kindly prepare yourself for it right now and decide how you are going to adapt to it. Tailor your expectations accordingly and be assured of it. Please get yourself to learn about his daily routine and his schedules on weekends and his hobbies and friends and everything else! Once you know that, also know that it will not change dramatically, as much as he promises to do so! Then accept it whole heartedly, happily and adjust your future life around it.
Q. I suffered a trauma in middle school at the hands of a teacher and that changed my life. I stopped going to school for 3 months, then my parents changed my school and I did not adjust there too. I was poor in mathematics and always remained poor in it. I was called names by my teacher, such as, lazy, non- serious, good-for-nothing, will never have a good career and all sorts of things. The limit was one day when she slapped me in class and the boys laughed loudly. After that I was bullied, ridiculed, taunted and discriminated. I dropped out of school and appeared the boards as a private student. It changed my personality, forever. I lost confidence, self- esteem, became shy and diffident, asocial and kept away from social gatherings. Now in college I feel better after I sought long -term counseling and learnt how to cope with many things. Still, I feel the remains haunt me at times and I wake up from a nightmare. Please guide me further as to what I should do.
Ans. Thank you very much for sharing your trauma and story with us. This requires courage and conviction to do so. I am sure the counseling is doing you much good and has helped you heal in many ways. Trauma is generally deep-seated and takes time to heal completely. If the nightmares are still there, you will need more sessions for a longer period of time and I am sure you will grow out of it eventually. Self-reflection, self- acceptance, emotional regulation, rational thinking, self- care, forgiveness, gratitude, mindfulness, relaxation exercises, physical exercises, good diet, friends, other social connections and hobbies, will help you heal. These are a mix of cognitive, social, psychological and spiritual practices that will ultimately help you grow and evolve into a beautiful resilient person.
