“Identify the problem areas” 13 February 2022


Q. I am very scared and anxious about my marriage. We are married for 5 years and have a child. A couple of years ago I had a tiff with my husband and I went to my parent’s home for few months. We reconciled and I came back and things were good. Now again a few differences have emerged and we are fighting often. I want my marriage to be a happy one and I want to keep my family happy. We are planning another child too. When he does not talk to me for few days, I become worried and lonely. Should I come for counselling? Can you help me with few tips? Please guide me.

Ans. Relationships are all about adjustments and managing bonds. I am happy to note that you are committed and want to make it happen. That you care for your husband and child and want to create a happy family and plan another child speaks of the primary motivations. The foundation being strong and clear, you can expect good results from your efforts. The first thing to do is to know and analyse the nature of differences between you and your husband. Then try to understand what differences you can accept in him and he with you, and try to accept them by not clashing on them. The difficult part is the differences between you both that are somewhat unacceptable. That’s the area where you both have to do a little more effort in trying to figure out how to resolve them. Maybe here counselling can help you as a neutral and professional advice. When we use our intelligence instead of our emotions we get better results and become wiser. Emotions are always there and go negative very fast and to bring them back to a normal state is a matter of training the emotions. Take a notebook and do some homework and then come for a session too.

A mother.

Q. Madam, I have a ten -year old daughter and she has started behaving in angry manner. She fights at home, with relatives and with friends too. She has also become disinterested in studies and watches online TV whole day. She would attend online classes but not pay attention to the studies but only day-dream. I don’t know what she is thinking all the time, she does not confide in me nor her father. She sleeps a lot and says she will not go to school any more. She says she hates studies and doesn’t know what she wants to do. She only wants to watch TV and play games online. I am worried about her and her future. Her father travels a lot and no time. I am alone handling two children and feel worried and stressed. Please guide. I am outside Nagpur and difficult to come personally.

Ans. This seems to be, to a great extent, the effect of lockdown, due to Covid and the closure of schools for almost 2 years now. We see a variety of negative effects in children and adults as well. Due to physical restrictions and staying at home, as well as online education, children spend more internet time and that has led to exposure of many ills and the development of bad habits. This brings in the state of addiction to online TV and games. Parents have to work harder than before to control their children from addictions of the digital world. They have to engage with the child more and involve them in creative pursuits. Her disinterest in studies need more exploring, whether it’s the effect again of online education or she has specific difficulties in areas of learning, such as reading, writing, spellings, comprehension, specific subjects of her class. We need to assess her for learning difficulties. We could do an online session with her over zoom and have a preliminary interface. It would give me a rough idea of the situation. Children with learning disorders will show up with emotional behavioural symptoms. Since children are not good at identifying and verbalising their problems, we need to help them do it. Either way, we can help your daughter overcome her problems. Keep hopeful and positive in any case besides being alert and concerned.

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