Q. I am 45 years old male and I have daughter who is 22 years old. She had an affair before about which I got to know when I saw her phone. Now she does not have boyfriend but I still get the feeling that she has. I am becoming very insecure and possessive about her. I want her to marry a guy whom I like and don’t want her to fool around with guys. I think my insecurities are killing my relation with my daughter and she says she hates me. Though she promised me she will not make a boyfriend now but still I feel she will again do it. Help me to develop my relation with her because I don’t want to lose her.
Ans. This is a genuine cause of worry for no parent wants a child to fall for a wrong relationship. 22 years is a young woman and you must respect her intelligence and decision making. You must have given her good education and good enough values to make wise choices in life. The best thing to do is to befriend her and treat her with trust and love. Tell her you respect her choices and her wisdom but that as a parent she should share things with you and engage you in her life. Tell her you worry for her and it is your business to take care of her. This also implies that you should give some freedom of choice to her and to tell her that if chooses a decent and suitable guy you will not object and obstruct. Too much conservatism and intolerance of freedom will not help build relations. We cannot prison up the youth but teach them wisdom and discretion and the power of discrimination.
Q. I am 26 years old female. I got married five months back. It was good in the beginning. It was arranged marriage and my father selected the boy for me. I was very happy. I used to miss my parents but I was doing fine. Doing work of home was like easy job for me and kept me busy at day time. My husband used to take me to dinners and movies. Everything felt so good. But with time everything is changing. It feels like a nightmare to me now. I get up and do work whole day. We don’t go anywhere. My husband is also acting mean and distant. He abuses me and finds faults in everything. He even says that he doesn’t finds me attractive now when five months before he claimed to be madly in love. I can’t figure out what I did wrong or what changed. Help me out please.
Ans. This calls for marriage counselling and guidance. There must have been incidents which would have upset the equations in the relationship in the marriage. It takes two people to make a happy marriage. Introspection will help you analyse your strengths and weaknesses and make you more sensitive to his emotions and desires. Find out if you have hurt his sentiments or his parents in some way. Find out what went wrong where and when. If it is purely his fault then the trouble is deeper for he may be having either an emotional upset or an attachment outside the home. Actually there could be any number of reasons which need exploring. You should stop crying about the unhappy situation and begin to look for solutions and answers to questions. Be patient however and see if he turns around. Otherwise come for a few sessions of counselling and guidance.
Q. I am 24 years old male. I am in love with a girl who is Muslim and I am Hindu. We first met in freshmen year of college. We instantly bond and felt the connection. Till now after 4 years it is same. She means everything to me. She is more than best-friend and lover. Our match is simply amazing. We were both very happy together but now she told me she is getting married. Her parents fixed a guy for her who is also Muslim and I don’t have guts to tell my parents about her but I don’t want her to get married either. I am stuck with my loyalty to my parents and my love on other hand. I don’t know which one to choose. If I go with love I would have to leave my parents home because I know they will not accept girl from other religion and if I go with parents I will lose the only girl I loved truly. Please suggest me what should I do.
Ans. I think the answer is obvious and you know it too. You need assurance that you are unable to do anything positive about it- you cannot tell your parents about your love and neither do you want to lose her. However you should understand and accept the fact that she has taken her decision and agreed to marry the choice of her parents. She has done wisely for you are indecisive and submissive. Let her go and find another partner to marry. This relationship has no future.