“Searching for logic in emotional matters”- 4 November 2018.

She was rejected and dejected by her long time boyfriend. He promised the moon to her and they were dating for several years and one day he walked off to get married according to the dictates of his parents. The girl is left in the lurch with a million questions criss-crossing in her mind. Why did he do that? Why did he betray her? What did she do to deserve this and such types of questions were jabbing her mind whole day and whole night. She lost sleep, lost weight, lost her confidence and wanted to die. She wanted to meet him once to ask him all the questions poking her mind to know the ‘truth’. Such people in trauma of lost relationships are all seeking answers to their innumerable queries hoping to find solace in some logical explanation. But alas…..

This theme is reflected in another group of people who get cheated by their spouses for having (extra-marital) affairs and are trying to make some sense of their existence. Their mind is also full of weird questions, floating in their minds full day and full night losing their sense of equilibrium. Why did he/she do this? What have I done? Why, what, when and how queries obsess their minds wanting to find answers to make some logical sense out of it.

When in grief almost all people ask the question –Why? They are looking for answers to their questions and their mind fails to rest because the answers are not forthcoming. A logical mind looks for logic and demands answers. Sadly, most times there are no answers that are forthcoming and most times if an attempt is made to give answers, they appear incomplete, hypocritical, deceitful and half baked and are therefore countered with counter-questions. The seemingly logical discussion between the two partners may lead to an altercation with outbursts of frustration and anger. And most perpetrators of such acts would actually like to avoid any unpleasant scenes- most naturally! So silence is the best escape route out of any uncomfortable situation for such people.

Human behaviour is strange indeed. People do what they do for their own reasons and emotions. People live and take decisions based on their emotions, memories, past experiences, their beliefs, opinions and cultural backgrounds. There is very little logical explanation for the actions and behaviour of people. We can only make assumptions but never draw conclusions. We should not forget that the mind is generally divided between the two opposing systems of emotions and logic. The human brain is divided between the left half which is more of logic and the right brain which is more of emotions. In other words the left is a practical and objective brain and the right is an emotional and feeling brain. Researchers say that almost if not more than 80% of the decisions taken on daily basis are done by the right brain, that is, by emotions and feelings. This could not be truer for relationships and human bonds.

Humans are hence universally ruled more by emotions in contrast to logic. Relationships are emotional attachments and not logical ones you would agree. We don’t have answers to why we get attracted to some and ‘feel’ nothing about others. This feel good factor is the key to all bonds and break-ups as well. Many times there is a war between the two sides as logic tries to ask questions and emotions have no answers to offer! Why did the good emotions vanish –the logical brain has no answers to it!

During a break-up it becomes tough for the rejected one for they look for answers to hundred questions and the answers are not forthcoming in any way. They begin to question the tall and romantic promises, the wonderful gifts bestowed, the great time spent and the thousand declarations of love that are made. They forget that it is the power of sweet emotions that speaks out its heart and not the head with its logic. The romantic nonsense vanishes the moment the emotions change colour. The magic is then gone forever.

If we understand the play of emotions we would understand too that getting into a logical framework after the break-up will lead you nowhere and get you no logical answers that you are searching for. The emotions are gone and the game is over. This does not serve to justify anyone’s behaviour but only to explain the psychodynamics of it. The rejected ones traumatise themselves by asking the question- ‘was it love, was it real, was it a farce, was it manipulation, was it cheating, why the betrayal, why could I not be told the truth etc’.

Philosophically everything is real and unreal as well. The world is an illusion- a ‘maya’ that gets weaved around you and there is no truth or falsehood. Love too is also illusory and a myth. The myth lasts while it does and vanishes as fast as such. Love is a beautiful illusion and everyone wants it to last forever but alas! Commitment and duty are more lasting values than love. I remember someone saying that every relationship has a ‘shelf life’ and hence an expiry date! That is certainly a modern day analysis for the older generation believed that bonds were forever for they lasted for seven lives and beyond! Not any more one would agree as the entire belief-systems have undergone a dramatic change and so have the norms of behaviour. The idea of an ‘ideal human being’ or ‘an ideal relationship’ is based on belief systems. Today, in this massive cauldron of chaos and confusion called life, we need to perceive matters in a simplified way, stop searching for answers from others- instead finding them within, fortifying the mind and moving on, and holding on to whatever is left in the name of dear sanity and self esteem.

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