“Bad habits need to be changed”- 17 February 2013
Q. I am a housewife and married for 20 years. I have two teenage children and I am in early 40’s. My married is not smooth as it should be as my husband is not satisfied with my nature and behaviour. I tried my best to change myself but failed. Now everyday there is disturbance in my house as my husband is offended with me. He blames and accuses me for everything. I have tried explaining, fighting and now I am fed up. I now feel that it was a blunder to marry him and a further blunder to continue in the marriage for so long. I feel depressed, do not sleep well, and feel sorry for the kids. My husband loves them too and he has never beaten me physically. He is responsible and does his duties well. But he is traditional and will not come for counselling. Please guide me properly about my life. I desperately need your help.
Ans. Your husband seems to have several strengths in his personality and some weaknesses. He has a problem of blaming you for everything and picking up a fight for anything. He is not satisfied with your nature and behaviour you say and you have tried everything and failed. You have not mentioned what are the weaknesses in your personality which he does not like. Whether you do have serious weak areas or it is just his perception due to his over- expectations from you? Another possibility could be that he is an unhappy person within his mind and projects all his anger on you. He would need counselling and he can be treated. One way could be to tell him that you have had enough and you are not willing to listen to any shouting, blaming and picking up fights. The moment he begins his aggression leave the room or the house. Get into a job if you can or do social work or join an organisation according to your interests and liking. You could live in separate rooms in the same house. The last alternative would be to leave him taking the kids with you and ask him for the maintenance money. Some sessions of counselling will certainly help.
Q. I am arranged married to a medical representative since 2000 and my husband is 44 years old. I have two daughters. On several occasions I have noticed my husband’s eyes stick to beautiful girls who come our way. Now- a- days he keeps on waiting for tuition girls who come to our neighbour for a glance. Any specific girl and girls wearing tight jeans and tops he watches them. I feel very ashamed of this habit and therefore do not go to party with him. If I object then he quarrels with me and other times comes home drinking wine severely. He says he loves me but this habit does not go. I left my teaching job for family. I feel like running away to parents home and have lost my confidence. I feel very lonely. Is it my mental disease or let my husband do this type of habit or search some friend for my loneliness? What should I do? Please suggest me something to make my life comfortable.
Ans. Your husband has a mental disorder and he seems to have no control over his mind and habit. Ideally he should seek counselling and cure himself of the disorder or else you might ignore this crudity of his and continue with your marriage. He seems to be addicted to it and therefore quarrels with you if you check him or else comes home heavily drunk. If he does not agree for treatment then it is best that you ignore it and learn to live with it. There is no need for you to lose confidence because of a habit of your husband. You might feel ashamed and lonely in the marriage but that is not such an unknown condition. Many people are lonely in marriages but you could make the best possible adjustment to it. Get into a job and enjoy intellectual pursuits that are more rewarding than a bad relationship. However make an assessment of the pros and cons of your marriage before you decide any drastic measures. If your husband is also grossly negligent of his duties towards you and the children then you might think seriously about termination or separation.