Base your decisions on logic and not fear – 17 Jan 2010

Ishika (via email)
Q. I am a student of B.Com 2nd year. From past few days I am in a dismantled situation. These days social networking sites are very popular. So, on such kind of networking sites I came across a boy 2 years back. We are chatting from last 2 years and are very good friends. But few months back he proposed me and said that he has fallen in love with me. I told him that it’s not possible but he is not ready to understand anything. Now the problem is that I am addicted talking to him and take him as a very good friend and don’t want to lose my friend. Now, my heart says that he truly loves me because he has not seen me yet so I should trust him but my mind says why to trust a net friend. And because of this my studies are suffering. What should I do now? Please help me!

Ans. The question is not of trust but of your future plans. The fact is that the friendship between the two of you has changed to love for him and you are unsure of your emotions. Perhaps you still treat him only as a friend. If you are interested in considering him as a lover/botfreind/ future marriage partner, then you could decide to meet him but only with another female friend. Do not go alone as another person with you always helps in many ways. She will be give you a security cover as well as be able to judge him too objectively. If you are not interested in any future considerations about him then do not meet him but continue as a friend but with less frequency. If he continues to behave emotionally tell him to buzz off or just stop chatting. Get off the site and forget the fellow. You are a grown up girl and can take care of yourself I hope. 

Raaj (via email)

Q. I am 31 years old guy professionally well settled. Since last 4 years I am deeply in love with a girl belonging to not my caste. Her family stay in a small town.  She took two years to say yes to me, since then we are having an affair. We tried to convince her mom (father expired) for our marriage many times during last one year or so however no success till date as her mom do not have the courage to go out of the way for this marriage. Same is the case with my mom also however I have the support of brothers. Even our ‘kundali’ don’t match. However these days her behaviour indicates that she lost interest in me due to the mom decision and she is fine to get married with someone else. Even many times I told her keeping the family we should forget about our marriage. However my problem is that I still love her very much and always thinking about her and the ways we should approach to convince our parents. I am not ready to forget her and to marry someone else. So every now and then I show my deep love to her and try to motivate her to convince her mom. All these things keep me mentally stressed. Now my question is shall I try to forget her or shall I stick with a decision to convince the parents for our marriage. Please answer soon.

Ans. This is a difficult situation for both of you. Since you are already 31 years of age time is a big factor. It is always worth to pursue your love and try to get married to her but if she has no guts and no strength to take her own decisions then you should set a time deadline for her. Is she is able to decide within that time go ahead and marry her. Otherwise you cannot wait endlessly for her. Age is an important dimension of life and decides many things. If you want to start a family (with wife and children) then set a time frame for yourself. At your age you should be able to take independent decisions whether parents agree or not. If you are in a joint family set up and are dependent on parents then you may not be able to decide independently. About the mismatch of ‘kundali’ I would not give it even one percent consideration as marriages with best matched ‘kundalis’ have also failed in large numbers and vice versa. That is a superstition which as a professionally educated person you should get rid of. Listen to your heart and your head and take wise decisions which will suit your life. Decisions are not based on fear of this and that.

Published in Hitavada Insight on 17 Jan 2010


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