“Be optimistic in attitude”- 22 April 2012
Q. My wife left me a few months back and now wants to come back but she wants me to go and bring her. I don’t want to do that as she has troubled me a lot. She plays dramas, tells lies, does not want to work, fights with family members and is moody. I feel like divorce but I worry for my child. What will he think of his father? I like another lady now from my office and she is ready to stay with me. What is your advice?
Ans. This is a very difficult situation. There are no easy solutions and answers and the best judge is always the persons involved. I cannot advise you to take a decision either way. However the merits and demerits of the case can be discussed. A good marriage needs a lot of hard work to survive and thrive –it cannot be taken for granted in any way. If you have a child then yes your responsibility as a parent increases manifold. Secondly, if one partner has a mental disorder of any nature (behavioural or psychiatric) it needs to be addressed by a professional psychologist in a systematic manner and therapy done for sufficient time till we lose hope of improvement. Thirdly, till the marriage is dissolved no other relationship should be encouraged or entered into as it will lead to many complications. To begin with, agree to bring back your wife on the condition that she will visit a psychologist for treatment and marriage counselling. You could try to save your marriage if she changes her behaviour as she gets better. If she does not improve and you have a professional opinion of her disorder you may seek a divorce then and go ahead with other plans. Give her a chance for improvement first.
Q. I am in great depression as I am getting poorer in studies and feel like suicide. My parents shout at me and criticise me for my bad marks. They only say me to study and get good marks. They do not understand feelings and other things. I know they love me a lot but I am not good son to my parents. What to do ma’am? Please guide me.
Ans. Marks is not everything in life. It is important to have a rough and tough personality too to survive the stresses of life. The first thing to do is to find out the reasons for poor performance in studies, whether it is due to poor intelligence or learning problems or family stress factors which disturb your mind emotionally or other reasons. Once the cause is detected the solutions will come and you could start performing well enough to please your parents. The second thing to do is to start thinking positively about your life and your future. A depressed mind can only see the darkness and the pessimistic side of life where everything is terrible. An optimistic mind looks at the world more cheerfully and to face the challenges of life squarely whatever may be the situation. So cheer up and have a frank talk with your parents about your problem and take their help in analysing the situation. Ask them your weak points and ask them to help you do better. If you listen to them carefully you may start doing better! If not then seek professional help.
Q. I am a student of 9 Std. One boy troubles me by looking at me and talking about me to other boys. I am a talkative and friendly person. My friends love me a lot and tell me that boys also like me and want to talk to me. My mother is very strict and has told me to not to ever talk to any boy. I do not want to talk to boys and these things. My friends talk to them but I do not. I am not able to get this from my mind about that boy looking at me.
Ans. This is a real dilemma as you study in a coeducational school and are not allowed to talk to boys. In fact you need to learn to relate to boys in a positive and healthy manner so that you become a bold and sensible girl. Of course the same applies to boys too and they should not behave foolishly like this boy who keeps staring at you. But since your mother has such a phobia it is best for you to stick to girls as friends and not talk to boys. Tell your friends not to talk about boys and not to tell you stories about them and what they feel about you. Tell them that you are not interested and do not want any sort of feedback about the boys. Ignore the fellow who stares at you, he will get bored soon.