“Don’t fight the battles of your parents”
Q. Dear mam, I am an undergraduate student. I am currently under lot of stress and suicidal thoughts recurring occur to me. Though i assure u that i wont attempt a suicide but such thoughts irritate me. Since childhood i have seen my parents fight. whenever they do so that troubles me a lot. Their relationship worries me a lot. Recently i came to know that my father is having an affair with his friend’s widow. I didn’t mention this to anyone because i knew the consequences. My mother won’t be able to take this. Unfortunately this doesn’t even make me hate my father. On one side i feel he is doing wrong to my mother and on the other side i think maybe that is love for him. He wont bring the other women ever in our lives because that would mean a huge lot of social trouble for both the families. I’ll further name the women as A.A has a son and a daughter both elder to me. Her son was always like a big brother to me. Ive started avoiding the complete family. This reason is even making me rebellious. And my father blames my mother for my behaviour. I sometimes feel like opening up in front of my father but then i don’t because that would hurt him and leave him broken. I am 21 yrs old and this has already started affecting my studies. I want to be the best surgeon and make my parents happy but somewhere i am losing confidence. I couldn’t appear well in my recent examination because of all these reasons. I request u to kindly help me out.
Ans. This is an unfortunate situation for you. When parents fight the entire atmosphere of the home gets shattered and children may feel insecure, angry and distressed. I can imagine your plight and your mental condition. But yet you seem to be a brave girl with your sense of logic and reasoning intact in spite of emotional duress. You understand the situation of your father as well and empathise with him and yet feel anger towards him and feel sorry for your mother. Such adult conflicts can be emotionally draining and can eat into your mental reserves. You as a student need to concentrate and make your career as you have high dreams and goals. But all this happening in your home doesn’t allow you to do so. Your idea of talking to your father is a good one as you are an adult too and can share your troubles with him with a cool mind and not rebelliously fighting with him. Confront him about his affair in a polite manner and ask him what he plans to do about it and the future of it. If he shares it with you, your bond with him will improve. As a daughter you should respect both your parents and better not to take the side of your mother. Anyway you are not being judgemental about your fathers affair which is a good thing. For you both parents are important and you should maintain good relations with both. Share your career goals with your father and he will help you with them. You could also rebuild your relations with the boy of the lady AA whom you treated as a brother. He will also be of great help to you and he is in the same boat as you as he must be also suffering from the affair. I am sure that he too does not like it. A matured look at the whole thing will help you maintain your cool and focus on your priority. Your parents affairs is not your priority- making your career and going ahead is. Judging and fighting with your parents and setting things right is not your priority but maintaining peace and positivism in the home is. Solving the problem of your parents is not your priority but making the most of your relationship with parents is. Taking the support and resources of your parents and stepping ahead with your own life is the best option for you to build a good future. Hence don’t get involved too much, let them fight their own battles, remain a bit detached and unbiased towards both and concentrate on the well being of your mind, body and career. That is the best gift a child can give their parents whatever and whoever they are. So, relax, breathe freely, pray and be friendly to all. Don’t fight the battles of your mother.