“Get romance out of your head”- 28 September 2014.

Q. I’m a student of B.Sc Agriculture in IGKV, Raipur. I don’t have a big friends circle and I don’t feel at ease in public places which are heavily crowded. I don’t have any boyfriend but I constantly keep on getting no. of proposals, sometimes I even like the guy but since I’m the only child of my parents and I refuse the proposals. Also, another reason for my negative answer is my insecurity. I’m very possessive and insecure, please tell me how to identify the right person and fight my fears.

Ans. It’s good that you rejecting the proposals at college level. Let your parents decide a good match for you whenever the time comes for marriage. Meanwhile first graduate and do well in studies. Also build your career as well as your personality. Learn to be social and learn some more social skills like public speaking, getting on stage and performing an act, being friendly to all and not getting involved with any, doing small talk or debates in groups. All these are helpful skills in confidence building.

Q. I am a 26 year old lower middle class girl who is doing PhD. My life always revolved around books and my parents. I have very few friends but they are a lot supportive to me. I have never been in love with anyone before but 2013 turned out to be something different for me. One of my former colleague came closer to me. I have worked in his lab for about 3 years. During those three years we never talked to each other. But when I changed my lab he started taking interest in me. Initially we had regular chats. I started connecting to him. I used to share with him all my likes and dislikes. But later he became busy and the chats reduced. This bothered me a lot as to why he is not talking to me. It even happened so that I use to ask his suggestions regarding some serious problems but he never responded. My family is conservative they do not believe in love and all and even I had the same views before, so I started to distance myself from him. But after few days if I did not ask him anything he would contact me. Even I had another fear, once I was proposed by his friend but rejected it. So I felt they may be playing with me. The social status also bothers me. He is from a well to do family. This person is in Taiwan now for his higher studies. He asked me whether I will contact him if he gave me his number. I said yes. But the day when he was leaving for Taiwan we had a small misunderstanding, which was due to my childish behaviour and then we did not contact each other. But later after one month I tried to talk to him 2-3 times but it seemed that he was not interested in talking to me. I felt like unwanted so I broke all contacts with him. Also I came to know that he gave his new number to everyone except me. But one week before he sent me chat request on g-talk that too after two months. I accepted it. But he did not ask me anything. After 3-4 days he was not available on my chat list later I realized that he blocked me. I am just fed up of this on-off thing going between we both.  I do not understand what to do. I think of him a lot which is surely affecting my studies. We never dated or met each other after I left the lab. It’s just we chatted a lot. I find it very difficult to understand his behaviour. And now I fear to contact him. Can you please suggest me something as to what should I do?

Ans. As you say his behaviour is hot and cold and fluctuates all the time. Such uncertainty is always irritating and stressful. It would be better to withdraw your energies from this guy as it is still at a lower level of involvement and you can get out of it. Also your family is conservative and will not accept it. so you must keep your mind in control. Just treat him as a distant friend in your mind. Do not think about him much as it leads to involvement. Let him call you 3 to 4 times before you call back. If he calls, talk normally to him without much warmth. Also give him some time to settle in a foreign country which is a tough challenge. In fact he can be just a friend oversees who can help you some day go abroad. Not every friendships of this type should end in romance, some can be just simple helpful healthy friendships. Get the romance out of your mind first. You will begin to feel better.