Identify the causes for bad behaviour – 20 Feb 2011

Anonymous.
Q. I am in 12th std. A guy is my best friend, he already had a break-up because of that girl. I helped him overcome that depression. Now I have fallen in love with him. I told him this but he says he does not want to fall in love as he can’t bear anymore break-ups. But he doesn’t even deny that he loves me. He says he controlled himself from falling in love with me. What does this mean? He loves me or not? What is his state of mind? I feel that he loves me but I don’t know why he is hiding from me. His best friend told me that he loves me but doesn’t want any disturbance in studies now and he is going to tell me that he loves me after board exams. When I indirectly asked the one I love are you going to tell me any matter after exams so he said yes and refused to give me any hint regarding that matter. So is what his best friend told me was true? Does he love me or not? Please help me as soon as possible please.

Ans. You seem to be getting impatient and anxious about his professing his love for you. This is actually unnecessary. His friend has already told you his feelings for you and his mind  and
even then that does not make you happy and assured. The fact that he is stating is the correct position of his life and you should appreciate that he is unwilling to rush into another affair after a break up. It is natural for him to be cautious and apprehensive about affairs and so he is restraining himself in his expressions. But he has confessed to his best friend and that is great news for you. So relax and take it easy. Let him study and you too focus on your studies. All will be well soon at the right time.

XYZ
Q. My son is 14 years old and was recently caught stealing from his classmate’s bag in school. This is the second time it has happened and the teachers are complaining. I live in Jabalpur and cannot come to Nagpur immediately. His marks in exams are also going down and almost daily his teachers scold him for reason or another. What could have happened to him. We are very worried about him as he is our only son and child. My husband feels everything will be alright with time but I cannot ignore things now. How should we treat him? What should I do? Please help.

Ans. A sudden change in behaviour indicates an obstacle in his growth which we have to identify. If all goes well children grow up normally but when a hurdle arises in the path of growth the behaviour of children change. The difficulty could lie either in his academic abilities, in the sense, he may be beginning to find some subjects hard and beyond his comprehension as his classes get  tougher, or else he has fallen in a bad group which is teaching him wrong things like stealing and cheating. We have to identify the primary reason and then understand the  secondary reasons. Whatever may be the reasons the personality does get affected eventually. Even if there are problems in studies children get diverted into doing bad behaviour. This is very common and very often seen in children. The other area could be the atmosphere at home and the relationship between the parents. Have a look at your own behaviour and see if you are too liberal with him or too strict that he should lose his balance. It would be helpful if you could plan a trip to Nagpur and bring the child along for assessment and evaluation.

Published in The Hitavada – Emotions column  for 20 Feb 2011