Focus on your own happiness – 27 Feb 2011
Q. I am working in a BPO company since last three years. I was in love with a colleague since inception of my job here but I did not express it to her. We became good friends. After one year I went to Mumbai for training purpose for 3 months. Then I realized it’s hard for me to live without seeing her. I decided to propose her after my return. Meanwhile one of our common friend proposed her and she refused but keep promised to be friend with him. She started roaming with him in parties and gardens. But after sometime that boy told me that his intention is only to keep physical relations with her and he was trying and will be successful. I decided to let her know about his intentions. I did it and suggested her to stop spending time with him. She explained that she is doing all just as a friend. And she also made clear first time to me that she already has a boyfriend and going to marry with him. I got upset but decided to keep this feeling secret. I was expecting as the time will pass this feeling will be finished. But I was wrong. After 9 months of her marriage I told her about my love to her. She told me that it is not acceptable at all and we will be good friends forever. Also she was thankful to me for get rid of that boy. I understand all the things. Even I promised to her I will be always her friend only. She is very nice friend to me now shares almost everything to me. But problem is that I am not able to keep feelings away from her. She has no problem with me and I have a very good relationship with her husband also. But despite of many efforts she is still in my mind and heart. Please help me how to keep this feeling for her out of my mind and heart.
Ans. You have put yourself in a difficult situation by being over- generous to her and harsh to yourself. You are a good friend to her but rather unkind to your self. You should now think more about your happiness and less about her. Find a mate and get married. It could be a nicely arranged one by your parents and need not be a ‘love marriage’. I am sure you know the implications if her husband finds out one day about your feelings- it would be a disaster for all three of you. So keep away and get married. You will find happiness in your life with a devoted partner.
Q. I am in standard 10 and I will be appearing for my board exams. I am having a few queries. 1) How can I keep myself relaxed during my Board Exams? I used to get tensed during my school’s Test series Examination. I want to keep myself relaxed during language papers especially during English and Sanskrit (Full). 2) If I prepare any subject I get doubts in my mind whether I am fully prepared for the subject. I think that I am not fully prepared for the subject and negatively think that I would forget what I have learnt. Also I cannot remember what I have learnt. 3) My will power is very weak. I say that I will do this subject in today itself but I cannot do it. I want to increase my will power. 4) I want to develop keen positive thoughts within myself. How can I develop those thoughts? I want to join your classes for developing my personality because I am really dull and very introvert in nature. In future I want to spend my college days happily. I want to learn how to tackle people. I failed to develop these qualities within me from my childhood days. I am interested in engineering. So I want to know whether I will be capable to handle that а stream. Please try to reply as early as possible (within 2 to 3 days). I know it will not be possible for you. But please try.
Ans. What makes you nervous are your negative thoughts about the future. Instead of focusing on the future put your thoughts into an action oriented plan of studying and revising and filling your mind with positive thoughts of doing well and achieving. Relax your mind by simple meditation and relaxation methods and think positive thoughts always. As soon as negative thoughts come, drive them away and get to positive ones. Exercise also during the day in between studies and keep your mind focused on the present schedules and not on the future consequences. If you study well the consequences will always be good. Personality development can wait after the exams. One thing at a time is the best policy. All the best.
Published in The Hitavada – Emotions column 27 Feb 2011