“Immune yourself to negativity”- 29 July 2018

R.T

Q. When I walk my head goes down in front of crowd like everyone is discussing about me. I want to discuss a pattern,- 9th onwards now I’m in BA 2nd year I have developed a habit. I go to school/college then I come back and plug my earphone and day dream about my goals (including girls) that I want to achieve. I’ve failed 12TH during IIT preparation (just fantasized never really went) now thinking of UPSC prep but situation is same go to college come back & earplugs on. I hate crowd & meeting people.

Ans. This seems to be a problem with your personality. I need more details to come to some sensible conclusion but for sure you would need to discuss more about it. This business of fantasy with no real efforts is a dangerous proposition as nothing comes out of it. It remains at the level of fantasy. With this type of personality the UPSC will go waste as the screening process is a multi-level assessment with a final interview and they look for ‘officer like qualities’. If you hate meeting people I would suggest you consider a change in career selection as the UPSC cadre are smart, confident and people oriented personalities who have to administer and manage affairs of the state whatever may be the domain. Think about it and come for personality development as well as career guidance. You would need both.

S.Y

Q. I am giving JEE this year. My family members, including my MOM truly de-motivates me about my future- although, we are financially strong and also I am good at studies. But seeing the outside competition my Mom keeps on de-motivating me almost 5 times a day also family members are with her. I have very less time now. How to get rid of it??

Ans. Well, under such family atmosphere and conditions it is a real challenge for you to prove yourself and your talents and prove them wrong. If you are good at studies and believe in yourself and talents, you should go ahead and aim for the stars. You should take it up as a challenge and immune yourself to their comments. You could get out of home and study in a library or a study centre and do your best. Think positive at all times, meditate and pray and tell them to keep their anxieties to themselves. Tell them, ‘do not worry, we will see’. It’s a tough call with such a family, but laugh and joke about it. Let it not pull you down. All the best to you.

XYZ

Q. I am single and in love with a married man having two children. He says he loves me and wants to marry me. My childhood had been very miserable and my parents had failed to give love and attention to me and my siblings.

For many years I was alone and this fellow met me and eventually attraction got converted into love. As I was a deprived child I expect a lot of love and care, but this person was a pampered child and hates people to pamper. Even if I share any emotions and cry he tells me to consult a psychiatrist. He doesn’t care and for these reasons I feel left out and depressed. I think I have given my keys of happiness to him. Sometimes he behaves very nicely which makes me very happy and most of the time he is emotionless and very practical and rude which makes me feel sad. I know I am expecting love from a wrong person but since I have no other person in my life and I am afraid of loneliness, I expect a lot from him, which in return I don’t get. This has made me to go in depression and stress. I know he is already married and will never leave his wife. On the other hand he says he loves me a lot and wants to be with me but has some financial problem, as his wife takes entire control of that. I have lost interest in life. I have left my job and don’t feel to do so. Most of the time I idle just thinking about him. I don’t know what to do in life? I know I should depart from him but it’s not that easy. What should I do ma’am? Please guide me.

Ans. Many times we hallucinate about love. If it does not exist in reality-it just does not exist. You dream about it and create fantasies but it will not come true. So wake up from your dream and start living your life. A married man with two children and no commitment towards you is a waste of your life. Take up a job, mix with colleagues, make women friends, advertise for marriage and settle yourself properly. Stop running after an illusion. We can convert deprivations into strengths. A few sessions of counselling will surely help you build your life. Accept your loneliness and take positive measures to deal with it and not fatalistic ones.