Marriage is a contract between two adults – 16 Jan 2011
Q. I have been a follower of your column. My problem is that whenever I see idols or pictures of Gods I feel that I should not avoid them and blink my eyes looking at them- it’s everywhere at my home, in college, on roads wherever I see God and after blinking my eyes once am not satisfied I keep on doing it as long as I am at that place. My other problem is that my mind has become my worst enemy whenever I decide of doing anything my mind (subconscious) interrupts me if I don’t say my prayers my god won’t fulfil my wishes and then instead of doing my work I start praying and during that I think of something else or other prayer and then I think that what I was saying currently I said it wrong so I start saying it again and it continues. Then I feel that if I say my prayers 108 times my wishes would be fulfilled and whenever I see any God I commit of saying my prayers 108 times but it is not possible for me to say prayers 108 times but then I fear if I don’t say I would be cursed. I tried sharing this with one of my friend but he didn’t take me seriously. I consider that God in present in everything and start praying to anything I see. My life has become a hell for me please help me out and please don’t disclose my name.
Ans. You must come for counselling immediately as this is an emotional / mental disturbance and needs attention. It will not go away with time or by wishing it away. You must have been suffering from this from quite some time as you write to me. It is a troublesome thing and saps away your creative energies from work and studies. Please do not hesitate for its treatable and many times curable.
Q. I am having a real problem with my husband. He seems to not being able to balance our married life. He comes under the influence of his parents that he himself hurt me along with his parents and really does not understand how much damage he is doing by being rude to me, ignore me, etc. I feel as if we are not married actually. He still behaves as if we are dating each other. He even now feels shy to talk to me if someone is present near him. His parents make him so guilty all the time stating we did this for you and that for you and so on that he behaves with me so ruthlessly. I tried everything I can to explain him. This relationship is taking a toll on me. When I ask him what will make him happy, I will do that, he just says if everyone is happy I will be happy. This in my mind means if his parents are happy he is happy, because I have seen if I do what my in-laws wants me to do, he is happy and subject me to more humiliation and misery, but he is happy because his parents stop complaining then. There is a lot more going on to this problem. Why does he not understand that his parents do not want this marriage to work and yes this was a love marriage. Please help me.
Ans. Your husband unfortunately seems to be denying the problem that your marriage is in crisis. He must be putting it entirely on you and may not be willing to taking any part of the share of problems. He wants you to adjust to the situation however it may be and whatever it may be. He seems to have given up on the situation of his parents’ demands and taken their side giving up on you instead. The onus of being happy or miserable is on you it seems. That is typical of Indian families and Indian males who do not take marriage primarily as a contract between two mature adults but who take marriage as a family affair. This is an unfortunate reality with most Indian couples. That is why many women are beginning to find such marriage situations frustrating and unfair. You will have to think about the plus and minus points of this marriage and decide how much and how many compromises you are willing to make. Of course it should not be at the cost of your mental and physical health.
Published in The Hitavada Emotions Column 16 January 2011