Negotiate your terms of freedom – 01 Aug 2010

Anonymous (via email)

Q. I am a student of 11th standard college. I stay whole day at home if there is any kind of gathering in my friends’ network my parents don’t allow me to go. It’s not the only thing I’m restricted to- each and every thing and even if they let me go anywhere they ask me several questions like who all are coming there? Why you want to go? Several kinds of such questions are asked. There is a friend of mine [just a friend] he’s in my group wherever we friends hang out he is also there but my parents have loads of problem with him. When they come to know that he was also there with me they just go nuts. They think that something wrong is going on between us, I tried a lot to explain them but they don’t listen anywhere I want to go if I say he is also coming, they don’t allow me to go and if I argue then they start speaking hurting words. My dad drinks alcohol and starts shouting loses his temper and cancels my going out and my freedom. Some times I feel that I should runaway somewhere away from everyone as my parents don’t trust me at all.

Ans. You need to negotiate with your parents about your needs for friendship and freedom. You could fix a number of outings per month (for example once or twice on weekends) with your friends and you could also fix the number of hours. Also inform them about the people you are going out with. I would advice you to go either with a girls group or in mixed groups but not with a boys group or a boy alone. Parents have many responsibilities and many fears for their daughters. Understand that and respect them for what they are doing for you and also learn to negotiate your point. If your parents are educated they will understand your point of view and allow you a reasonable amount of freedom.   

V.G (via email)

Q. My sister is behaving in strange manner. Whenever we go to someone’s house she takes their things without asking anybody. She has got everything at home and all her demands are fulfilled. Secondly, she doesn’t pay required attention towards her academics and is not a very good scorer. At home she is most of the time before mirror and seems to be not interested in doing study. Many a time I tried to create and increase her interest but that went in vain. Please suggest some way to solve this problem. Her age is 12 years.

Ans. Your sister would need psychological help. Kindly consult a practicing psychologist in your city as soon as possible. The symptoms mentioned by you indicate disturbances which would need to be assessed and diagnosed. Such problems can be treated and should be treated soon enough before they aggravate.  

XYZ (via email)

Q. I’m a management graduate from Nagpur University. I had a girl in my class whom initially I was very much fond of in terms of friendship during the 1st year of the graduation. Even she seemed interested in me for some time and we often had short chats between the college hours. Then when we entered the 2nd year she kind of avoided my company for some reason unknown to me, but still treated me as a classmate and being nice to me sometimes. I along with my classmates soon found out that she spent time with a guy also from my class. But maybe because of my introvert nature and my upbringing I somehow could not talk to her. I remained neutral yet respectful towards her. She was always found in the guy’s company. The guy I know is just good in studies but is not at all worthy for her. I still don’t understand why she never approached me the way she did with that guy. I’m equally intelligent and good-looking person. Somewhat I feel used for no real reason even after my graduation. I’m losing sleep because of this. I know we would probably never be friends but still why did she pretended to be friends with me when all she thought about was that other guy. This thought is something that I’m not able to get out of. Please kindly guide me. She even sends me face-book friend requests and things, shall I accept it and assume everything is normal? 

Ans. Well, it is difficult to accept rejection but everyone goes through it in their lives. People are getting dumped all the time and it would not be a good idea to compare yourself to other men at any point of your life. Girls or women have their own reasons for choosing or dumping men and there is no point in looking for them (the reasons). People work on their own whims and fancies and compulsions and many times are not aware of it themselves. Most unreasonable actions are unconsciously motivated in fact. It would be best to get over the rejection and get on with life. Look around you will find many good girls for a young educated man like you.

Published in The Hitavada – 01 August 2010