Personality disorders are difficult to handle – April 18 2010

Arjun (via email)

Q. I am in IT since 2 years and I feel totally confused right now. I feel the lack of passion in my life and more specifically my work. I feel that I am average at my work in spite of my best efforts. I feel the need to discover my interests and what I am really good at. But I do not know how to decipher this. I feel like learning everything i.e, music, language etc in search for my hidden talent. I am afraid of a normal life (9-5 life) although right now I am the most dedicated follower of this pattern on this planet. My friends are either opting for MBA or MS but I do not want to do that and when my parents ask me what I want to do then I am in coma. But I have a strong desire to do something big in my life which again I do not know. Could you please help me out. 

Ans. Self discovery is a very important and interesting mental exercise which each one should involve in. It makes life richer and happier as you begin to understand yourself and become more aware of your finer points. This also helps eventually in actualising your true potential(s). The process is not simple and easy. It should be an ongoing process throughout life. I would suggest you come for personality assessment that will give you wonderful insights into your personality type and your cognitive styles. This will give you insight into the type of work and activities that you enjoy and would like to pursue in life.   

Anonymous (via email)

Q. I want your suggestion on my problem. I am in relationship with a guy. He loves me lot but one problem is there that he is very possessive about me. He wants that I should act as he wants at all time. Usually I do act as he wants but some time I also have some problems that I can’t act as he wants. When I act in oppose of what he wants he takes doubt on me that I have another affair. I am very much disturbed that how I can convince him? Nowadays he becomes very much angry on me on very small things. I can’t live without him -he knows this. Perhaps he is arrogant due to this.  Please tell me solution of this problem. I do not understand what to do. He is not talking with me properly.

Ans. You seem to be a submissive type of person. Therefore you do not mind being dictated and dominated by your friend. But at times you too feel that you should get some freedom of speech and movement which he does not allow. There are two things you could do here. First think clearly about the type of freedom you sometimes want and then tell him that. I am sure he will agree. Then test him out and see if he keeps his word. If he still does not respect your little freedom then you will have to seriously think about the man. He may be suffering from some kind of personality or mental disorder. Come and see me then in that case. 

Ajay (via email)

Q. I am a 28 year old guy. There is a girl (27 years old) in my office with whom I had friendship. As she was new in the office, she used to seek my help for many things. Around 8 months ago, I forwarded a mail to her and to many others which had a double meaning joke. She felt offended and stopped all the communication with me and behaved very rudely with me. As I was unaware about this background of mail, I felt hurt. After that she continued to come to me whenever she required help. Seeing her behaviour, I felt as if she is just using me to get her work done. Then, she told me about all this mail. I said sorry to her. She continued to come only for seeking help and not for friendship. This continued for 8 months. Few days ago, she suddenly came to me and offered to resurrect the friendship. But she continued to blame me. I actually want to forget things but her attitude of blaming me for everything is hurting me very badly. Seeing that she did not even care or recognize if I was hurt by her behaviour I sincerely feel that she did not value me as a person. As she is in the same office, I have to face her. Whenever I see her, these thoughts haunt me and I lose my peace of mind. These things stop me from forgetting the past. In this entire episode, is it that only I am at fault? Is my attitude really wrong somewhere? Why am I suffering so much and she is happy even after hurting me. Please help me.

Ans. The girl seems to have a personality disorder. She is sensitive only herself and not to others. She is also complicated in her head as she does not know what she wants. Actually some people who are self centred (not selfish) are more focused on their own needs and their fulfilment and do not think about others and their needs. I think you should keep going the way you are doing right now and forget about a long term relationship. Consult me before you get serious about her.

NOTE: READERS WHO WANT ANSWERS THROUGH PERSONAL EMAILS NEED NOT WRITE TO ME. ONLY THOSE WHO WANT ANSWERS THROUGH EMOTIONS COLUMN MAY WRITE. READERS SHOULD ALSO MENTION CLEARLY THE NAME UNDER WHICH THE QUESTION SHOULD GO.

Published in The Hitavada Emotions Column – April 18 2010