Postpone pleasure – Oct 10 2010
Q. I like to have one problem for you too. I had a few years relationship with a girl in same college- first two years were great but then the problems started.I was short tempered person then and hence she used to fear me telling some things. But I was over possessive about her and that too because she had been troubled by her colleagues in her school and college. Hence I used to ask her to maintain safe distance from boys. That was my fault but due to that she started lying to me and our relationship deteriorated and her parents, who once were positive about our relationship as we both were good individuals and of same caste I had to intervene and they asked us to end it. Now we still talk with each other and I have tried much but can’t imagine life ahead without her. We both being of same age, her parents are forcing her to start seeing boys and get married but I am still studying and hence can’t say anything!! Even she is tired of convincing her parents and has lost hope! Will you please tell me how can I win her and her parents back. I am much more matured and have overcome my odd beliefs and anger.
Ans. How can she be sure that you have become mature and calm- once she has had a bitter experience with you in the past she will always harbour similar thoughts and feelings about you. We know that personality patterns are quite stable and are resistant to change until and unless you have worked very hard to remove them or decrease them. You could come for counselling and/or personality assessment and we could then try to convince her if you show marked improvement. You could also bring her for counselling. You may want her back due to your emotional dependency on her and not what you call love. Generally relationships become addictive and breaking it off becomes difficult. Once she has succeeded in breaking off she would not like to unite again for fear of repetition of your bad behaviour. So take some time before you jump into proposing, keep talking to her as friends and then see if she is favourably inclined towards you. If she still likes you she will approach you. In case she does not you could do it too.
Q. I am a student of 10th standard and is going through a very difficult phase of my life. Since two years I am unable to concentrate in my studies. During exams when I sit to study my mind gets diverted to other useless things due to which I get distracted from studies and score very less marks. I think about that how I will be celebrating with my friends when my exams get over or think about watching films, etc. I haven’t told this problem to my parents as they think that this all due to my laziness towards studies! Please help me to get out of this very serious problem!!
Ans. Concentration can get affected due to a variety of reasons and you have not specified anything except that you dream of fun and enjoyment. One possible explanation could be that you do not get opportunities for fun in your schedules and hence you feel suffocated and get to dreaming about it. Another reason could be that you find the studies boring or you find them difficult and hence you would like to escape from them. There could be a third possibility of mental disturbance which we may like to explore. Whatever it may be, be strict with yourself, do not allow liberties and focus completely on your studies till you finish your exams. You have all the time for fun afterwards. Postponing pleasure is a major task all intelligent human beings indulge in. For the sake of career young people sacrifice small time pleasure. Take examples of young sportsmen and women who devote eight/ ten hours to practise and miss fun with peers. The gain is tremendous compared to the loss. But find out if you have trouble with some subjects for then you need tuitions.
Published in The Hitavada Emotions for 10 October 2010