“Relax your nerves and think” 16 September 2018.
Q. I love a boy. He is my senior by one year. We are both in junior college and attend the same tuition classes. I am a good student but now all are angry with me. My marks have dropped and my parents have high hopes from me. I also have high hopes to become a government officer. He wants to be a scientist and he is always coming first. He was talking to me nicely but now he is ignoring me like anything. I cannot focus on studies and have started crying easily too. He does not look at me. He ignores me. I only want he should talk to me like before. What should I do? Please guide me madam. Please help me to be normal happy girl.
Ans. Both of you seem to be good children- studious and intelligent. Both of you have high aims in life and have clear goals of achievement. This is a good thing that you have in common. But he may be more in control of his emotions and habits. If he is a topper and is focused on his studies and future aims, then he may be not interested in the friendship that was developing between the two of you. There could be two explanations- one, he must have seen your emotions and would have decided to quit the friendship, second explanation could be that he himself also feels strongly about you (your presence disturbs him) and realising that he decides to stay away! You would say that this is the most peculiar response but that is how many people react when they have clear priorities in life and are ambitious and motivated as well. Avoid him for some time and show no interest at all and watch the reaction! Don’t despair, get going with studies and ignore him too.
Q. My son is showing signs of stress which is normal for his age. I understand his problem and want him to share with me but he always keeps quiet and does not share with me. I want to help him but have tried many things which I could think of. He talks to his friends and plays with them but why he is avoiding us at home I do not understand it. Please help me save my child.
Ans. You seem to be an anxious mother. For some reason your son does not share with you his personal experiences and thoughts and seems to be showing signs of stress. This is difficult for parents who want to be part of the life of their children. I hope you are not unnecessarily alarmed about his situation which may not be all that bad. Find out from a mature friend of his who will keep the secret of your enquiry. Ask him if he needs help from a counsellor and if he agrees you can be assured that we will take care of him. Sometimes a person may be an introvert who generally do not speak up nor share themselves easily. The second reason could be some unpleasant experience in communication with you which makes him clamp up. A session of counselling is the best solution under the circumstances.
Q. I am facing lots of problems in our marriage. We have been married for 15 years now and have a son also. He seems least interested in the house and with us- he stays in a world of his own it seems. He has become very quiet, keeps engaged with his mobile and his laptop and does not bother about anything at home. I checked his things and have not found anything that is odd. I cannot say that there is anything wrong with him. If we interrupt him he gets angry and withdraws further. Please guide me madam. I am going worried with his behaviour and it is affecting me and my son too. Should I come and see you one day? Can you guide me?
Ans. Yes, you should come and consult me. Your husband might have sunk into depression gradually as that is a possibility at any period of time. A sudden change of behaviour after 15 years of a good married life says something profound. If he is a generally good person and no odd activity is suspected, he must be suffering internally in some way. His anger outbursts and his withdrawal from the family are not healthy symptoms. We should get to the bottom of this fast and treat whatever is bothering him. Meanwhile be polite and kind to him, don’t show anger at him and keep trying to engage him with yourself and your son.