“Search for alternatives”-20 August 2023.

Q. I am in standard twelfth. Lately, my parents have been fighting a lot, even over petty issues. They have begun arguing to the extent that they use bad words for each other and do not care about the pitch of their voice- they scream at each other irrespective of who is around and what time of the day it is. There have been certain issues which may be the cause of their stress, but I am unable to help them in any way and am getting affected a lot. I can’t study in such an environment. Please help.

Ans. This is certainly a matter of disturbance and lowering concentration and motivation. If you take a problem -solving approach rather than a victim approach, try and find a suitable place to study. Let me help you with some suggestions which you will find at least one of them suitable. First one, could be a reading room or a library of the college you are attached to. Generally, libraries of colleges should be open late hours. Second one, could a separate room in your house where you could set up your study and stay there. Third one, could the place of a friend with whom you can share space for studies only. Pack your bag of books and go there and study. Fourth could be a place among your relatives, anyone who will sympathetic and be willing to accommodate you till exams – of course only for studying and not living. The last one could be a tree or a bench in a public garden close to home!


Q. One of my close friend is 30 years old working lady with a son. One married old friend supported her during tough times of separation with her husband. He now wants to marry her as their religion allows them to do so. But he doesn’t want to separate from his present wife also whom he says is together because of love for his two daughters. She is mentally and emotionally very much disturbed now. Please help her mam. 

Ans. You mean she would live as the man’s second wife along with the first wife? She is upset because the situation seems un-favorable to her because of some specific reasons in her perception. As a friend you should try to understand the reasons in her mind. I could think and suggest some points of concern in her mind. One could be the ensuing conflicts with the first wife who will for certain be an unwilling partner. If his religion allows it and she, the first wife, is helpless, she will be an aggrieved person in the house. Sharing a kitchen and the fear of her son being dis-respected and bullied will be a source of daily clashes. If he has the capacity to provide a separate home for her, maybe a solution. A lot depends upon her emotional and financial needs. What is her primary needs, -companionship, social security, financial security or what? She could explore the possibility of her second marriage with a man who is single by divorce or death of spouse. Give her time to think. Let not the sense of ‘burden of gratitude’ towards the friend drive her decision to marry.    

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