“Accept the present”- 10 March 2019.
Q. I got married in 2013 (arranged marriage). During the quest of my marriage, I was always insisting on talking to the girl and understanding her before I say YES to any proposal. I always believed in being honest & transparent before starting any relationship. Un-fortunately, one of the girls who I spoke to, used these to her advantage and her parents complained to my parents about me that I do not understand what to speak to a girl. She portrayed that she is rejecting me because of what I spoke to her. With these, my family members were hurt and expressed their dissent to me. Eventually, it was revealed to everybody that she used me to her advantage as she was already in a relationship and her parents still wanted to have her married to me. However, my family members were unhappy with me and they were feeling that their reputation was getting damaged because of my denials to the proposals and excessive honesty about while speaking. Though I was hell bent on my stand till now, I started giving up with this instance. I felt terribly guilty seeing that my family is suffering because of me. In a spate of emotions, I said YES to another girl without talking to her. As I got married, I am feeling that this is a biggest mistake of my life. I should have remained firm on my stand and should have talked to my wife. Now, every time, this thought haunts me that why I did not remain firm on my stand, why I gave up, why I didn’t understand that family reputation was a temporary damage, why I made permanent damage to my life because of this…so on & so forth. This regret and anger towards myself is consuming me. I am not able to find acceptance and peace within myself. I have spoken with my wife about all these and she told me that she is not ready for divorce as she still loves me. I also do not want to spoil her life by divorcing against her wishes. But at the same time, even after 6 years of marriage, I am not able find that connection and companionship with her. I never enjoy the time I spend with her. I feel empty and alone. What should I do to come out of these thoughts of regrets & anger towards myself.
Ans. It seems you have not accepted your wife as she is and have not made peace with the situation. I can understand your anger and regret with your self and your decisions but six years is a fairly long time to adapt. I wonder what is so basically wrong with your wife that you cannot accept her? I would need to know more details of the differences of personality or the conflicts in marriage and try to bridge the gap. We can learn to accept and love people we co-habit with in spite of differences in nature. Sessions of counselling will help you sort out your inner conflicts within yourself and the discord in the marriage relationship. Nothing is impossible you see. If divorce is not an option and you agree with that point then with time you should have made peace with the reality that exists. Your inability to do so says many things about you and the situation as well. I would need more details to suggest a solution. Try and come for a few sessions of counselling.
Q. My elder son left his job and is sitting at home since six months or more. He refuses to seek other jobs and when we suggest job offers he gets angry and says it is his life and he does not want to work. He flares up easily and tends to get aggressive with his brother and mother as well. We thought of taking him to a doctor but he refuses. We fear that he may never get back to work if this continues. What shall I do? Will counselling help and can I bring him to you?
Ans. Yes, counselling and psychological assessment is the first step to diagnosing the problem and solving it at the level of the mind itself. If the problem crosses the boundary into the realm of mental illness it would require some medications too. But first we need to see him and assess him for the nature of disturbance. You could just bring him for some career guidance as he may have some issues regarding his performance at work or handling relationships at work site. There could be so many hidden and unknown areas to investigate with your son. Request him to come once for a consultation for work and career planning.