“Fill in the blanks yourself”- 4 November 2018.
Q. I am a married school teacher. I recently started an extra marital relationship. Although I love my husband, but I don’t know why I was not happy with him. Someone told about this to my husband because of which he has divorced me. Although this has happened a long time ago, but I am constantly reminded of him. I am no longer able to concentrate and feel like ending my life. Please help me.
Ans. This is a bit confusing. I understand that you were not happy with your husband so you started an affair. And your husband divorced you on learning about your affair. And now you are missing your husband? If I have understood this correctly, then it reflects an unsure mind and insecure personality with a lack of clarity of goals. Ending your life is not the solution. The resolution should be the development of yourself and your personality. A school teacher is a wonderful professional and you can search for a higher purpose in this field of teaching. Search for a meaning in life in terms of work and service to humanity. A good personal relationship can be very satisfying but does not last forever and also does not serve as the ultimate source of happiness. Relationships have limited value and die a natural death although they are very important in life and form part of your life-support systems. The real source of satisfaction lies in service to others and the giving away of love and affection to others. Happiness does not lie in receiving love and affection but in giving it away. Think over this and make broad goals in life. Get over your personal problems and think big and wide. Life is beautiful and very meaningful. Come for a few sessions if you still feel depressed and also for training and development of the personality.
Q. I am a final MBBS student. I have my exams next month. I was on am online dating site. Met a guy from IIT Bombay, our intellectual levels matched
Talked to him for about 6 months. Became good friends with him. The relationship never progressed beyond friendship, but I became habitual of talking to him 24*7. I really liked him but held the feeling within myself due to my studies. He is quite older to me, I knew this before. Never really cross-checked on Facebook. But some days ago I was going through his facebook profile. Saw his ex’s profile. At around 2015 they seem to be married. Tho I asked him directly that are you married or divorced. He didn’t reply. Changed the topic. Being honest I don’t want to loose him if he is not married But I need answers. It is really frustrating and since 1 week I am not able to study
I just want to study. I know I should think rational and stop thinking But I am not able to do so. I am not able to share it with anyone. It is just playing with mind. I don’t know what to do. What should I do?
Ans. Searching for answers from the person who has hidden facts from you is the biggest hurdle in getting over your emotional problems. If you are a logical and rational thinker you should be able to fill up the blanks yourself! If the guy has hidden facts from you initially he will continue to do so or else if you force it out of him eventually he will distort the facts and give lame excuses for his actions. Stop searching for answers and make your assumptions in terms of answers yourself. If he is married or not it should not make much difference to a platonic relationship. You say it never went beyond friendship and you did not disclose your feelings to him too. When you asked him about his marital status he avoided the question by keeping quiet so technically he did not lie to you! You should have inferred from his silence that he is not disclosing it openly to you. Forget all this over-thinking in your mind and quieten your mind by shutting off the logical questions with no answers coming forth. If you like to talk to him go ahead and talk to him. If it upsets you stop talking to him. You should learn the art of mindfulness, deep breathing and watching your thoughts. A session or two will help you learn the art of stilling your mind.