“Identify the stressors”- 20 January 2019.

WE

Q. My son is preparing for the 10 Std boards and seems to be stressed. As parents we do not give any pressure to him to study and get high grades. He is disciplined and good boy and works hard himself. But I worry that he has become irritable and argumentative in nature. Is this stress signs? I read a lot of psychology and love the subject. But I am a housewife and do not work as a career. How can I help him as a mother and reduce his stress? I want him to be happy and healthy child and also do well in life whatever it may be.

Ans. It is nice to know that as parents you do not give any tension or pressure to your son and allow him his freedom to do things his way. According to you he is a well disciplined boy and works hard. But you are noticing signs of stress which is certainly possible at this stage when he is preparing for board exams. Even if parents do not give any pressure to the child there can be stressors in his life which he is not sharing with you. The important thing for parents is to know and observe the stressors that may be impacting him thus. If he does not volunteer information about his state of mind, then it would be appropriate for you to sit down with him one day and ask him his points of stress. You could ask him bluntly but politely if something is bothering him for you notice some signs of irritability in his behaviour. Ask him if he has low moods and if there is something which depresses him. Ask him if the reasons are at home, at school or with friends or with some subjects at school. Ask him if his preparations for boards are going well or are bothering him and he needs any help in terms of tutoring or coaching. An enquiry from your side will help him to open up and share with you. That is half the solution.

LP

Q. My boyfriend hides his phone /mobile when he talks to others. I don’t know why he hides from me some things which make me disturbed. He is a good friend and we have been friends from two years. He watches my mobile when I am not there and I have seen him do that twice. But he does not show me his mobile. Is he cheating me- how to find out? I am very much upset with this. Once I had a big fight with him on this but he did not answer me properly. Please tell me what to do?

Ans. Your friend seems to be a secretive person if he hides his conversations with others from you. It can be a habit to be secretive but what is of concern is his tendency to keep checking your mobile while he is secretive about his! This does not speak well of his nature and personality traits and may prove to be troublesome for your friendship in future if at all. Observe him a little more and ask him if he is suspicious of you due to which he checks your mobile. If he agrees that he is suspicious of you (and there is no reason for him to be suspicious of you, then he might need some psychological treatment. His secretive nature also is strange if you have been friends for two years. This means that he does not trust you totally and you may think twice before committing yourself to this friendship. Take it as a warning or a caution.

XYZ.

Q. My marriage is getting fixed soon and I am in a big trouble. I don’t like the boy my parents have found for me and I also like someone else. This friend of mine is not proposing to me and my parents have already seen one guy. What should I do now madam?

Ans. if your friend has not proposed marriage to you what is the future for both of you? You could explain this situation to your friend and tell him that you might have to listen to your parents. If he asks for some time, then give a deadline to your friend to commit for marriage or else let him go. On the other hand, if you don’t like the guy your parents have chosen, you must tell it to your parents and be assertive about it. Otherwise you will put each one in trouble and unnecessarily spoil the boy’s life too besides your own. You must act fast to resolve this dilemma and not just sit and brood over it. If your friend shows no interest in you, tell your parents that you are ready but want a compatible match and not this boy. I hope you have valid reasons and not just your fancy idea of not liking him due to your emotional entanglement. Don’t spoil your chances by losing a good match due to foolishness. Be practical and wise.