“Involve the family for support”- 26 March 2017
Q. I have a child who is 15 years of age. Since many days I am watching that his class teacher is making complaints about him. He is not seating on his seat but on the last bench. When he is asked a question about the subject, he is not attentive to it. His marks sheets are poor in marks and his teachers say that he cannot be promoted to next class and she cannot commit for this class as well. What should I do? He is well behaved at home with me and with me. What happens to him in class and school? Why are there complaints from school? What could be the cause and what should I do?
Ans. Find out if he is using the mobile of a class mate and watching nonsense on the net. Find out if he losing sleep and eating poorly lately. That he is losing his concentration in class and studies is clear from the regular complaints of the teacher. He must be brooding over something he is watching and hence remains engrossed. He is not misbehaving at home and remains normal is a good thing but he is hiding many things from you is sure. Sitting in the back bench and not on his seat is a sign that needs to be explored. Ask the teacher to observe his change in friendships and their new found activity. If nothing seems plausible enough, bring him for a session of counselling. We will make a diagnosis of the malady.
Q. I am married for three years now. We had a ‘love marriage’ and were happy together. He never took alcohol before marriage and even after marriage. Now it seems since six months he is going with his friends after his work and coming home drunk in the late evening. After coming home he abuses me and doubts me that I am having an affair with another person and has hit me too a few times. The whole atmosphere is disturbed and my marriage seems to be cracking up. What should I do to change his behaviour, to stop his drinks and that he should trust me. Please help me as fast as possible. What changes should I make in myself so that the peace returns and I am happy like earlier.
Ans. This is certainly not your fault and you should not take this on yourself alone. Since you had a ‘love marriage’ you must be embarrassed to tell your parents about this newly developed situation after three years. But this a mistake you will be committing if you suffer alone and try to handle it all by yourself. Get the family involved and inform them about the new habit of drinking alcohol and his violent behaviour along with his un-founded suspicion about you. This is not a simple behaviour change but the onset of a serious illness that needs attention. He may need treatment not only for his alcoholism but for his suspiciousness. The support of your parents will be important for you to sort your marital situation. The situation can be improved.
Q. I have a boy friend from one year. He stays in Mumbai and I stay in Nagpur. We were in a live-in relationship for a year and now he has shifted to Mumbai. Now a days we do video chats online and I am feeling that there is a change in his behaviour. I feel someone is living with him in his apartment. I am depressed and feel like ending my life. I am very possessive about him and I have a doubt that he is having an affair. He does not agree and promises me that there is no one in his life and that ‘I am un-necessarily doubting him for small things’. Should I go to Mumbai to see him or how should explain it to my mind that all is well. I can see small signs like a sound behind him, or a shadow, or his small behaviour changes which make me doubt him. I am very uncomfortable about this. I cannot live without him and will end my life if he leaves me. Please help me what to do. Should I break up with him or should I trust him and continue.
Ans. Your intuition may be right and he may be flirting with another girl. It may be a temporary attraction or may be serious. On the other hand he may be innocent and your hunches may be wrong and un-founded. This is a tricky situation to handle when a doubt creeps in and trust is lost. You could watch the relationship for some more time, give it the benefit of doubt and then see if you want to maintain it or call it off. Being possessive does not help. Let him be free to decide his course of life. If he decides against staying with him, it is your destiny. Accept it gracefully and boldly. May be you deserve a better person than this one.