“Keep within friendship limits”-26 January 2014


Q. I am an IT engineer and am working in a good IT company with a nice pay to start with. I am 22 years old. I had a boyfriend in college and my parents were aware of it but due to caste difference I broke up with him. In that phase he didn’t have a job and I did so it appeared as if for money reasons I dumped him. But I know that’s not the case. I still feel guilty for this.
Secondly there is another guy in the office who has eventually become a good friend of mine. He is very smart and from my field so I had a crush on him, so when we started talking I cleared it on the first hand that I am a Brahmin and in my family other castes are not accepted. He said that he is not a Brahmin. Ending that topic there we became good friends. But now he has started developing a feeling for me. It’s not the case with me this time but I don’t want to lose a good friend. I am very confused as in should I go out with him on dinner and walks? I am simply confused as in how to carry this further. Please help me in what kind of attitude should I have towards him.

Ans. It is advisable not to go out alone with a guy you don’t want to get involved with. If you are sure about you not marrying someone outside your caste then it is best to keep away and put limitations on your interaction. You could talk to him and be friends but that has to be infrequent. Secondly the topics should be kept professional and work related and do not respond to personal queries. Physical proximity and sharing has a tendency to evoke emotional responses and that’s where people get involved. Be aware while talking to him about his feelings for you and take care accordingly that you do nothing to make him uncomfortable or get ideas about you or get him closer to you. Your attitude should be practical and on equal terms like two good colleagues and not best friends. There is a difference between the two. Watch yourself too with your feelings and emotional reactions.


Q. My wife doubts me a lot with my office colleagues and my friends. We have had a nice and happy marriage for more than ten years. In fact it was a love marriage. I still my wife and am faithful to her but she has begun to doubt me now. This happened due to a friend of mine who made a silly remark about me and another in front of my wife. She slowly started getting irritated and asking me questions and now has lost all trust in me. I am trying my best but to no avail. What should I do to win her trust back so that our life can be normal. My children are getting upset with me too as they don’t know the reality and sometimes get angry with me and sometimes with her.

Ans. I assume that you are an honest man and are not cheating your wife in any way. If you are perfectly in the right then it means that your wife is imagining things and is thus suffering from a mental disorder and would need to be treated. It is unfortunate that she has fallen ill after so many years of marriage and happiness. But this is a type of disorder that can come up any time in life and under some stressful condition. But this needs to be assessed and evaluated after clinical observation and enquiry before we conclude. Do not be angry with her and do not irritate her in any way. Care for her a little bit more and tell her about your whereabouts and your movements as much as you can. That might appease her a little. If the situation persists and please do come for marriage counselling and advice.


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