“Nurturing relationships”- 8 September 2013
Q. Why does the relationship take a lot of dedication and efforts to nurture it?
Ans. All things in life takes dedication and effort to maintain it. Your body, brain and mind need attention too on a daily basis to keep it clean and healthy. Your house and vehicle too needs cleaning and care to maintain it. From machines to human beings everything needs love and care to maintain it and nurture it. Animals and plants too need love and care so what is it about relationships that are different? Nothing can be taken for granted. A relationship demands attention and understanding for it to grow and sustain itself. Neglect will wither it away and hurt the relationship. People need to be attached to something and someone whatever it may be. It may be pets, friends, family, babies or even machines like your motorbike. It gives life a meaning and makes it beautiful.
Q. I am a 20 years gal, in a relationship with my ex-classmate since past 2 years. That time he was quite a simple guy initially he was so much into me and he used to care and love me a lot. Our first year together was very beautiful totally flawless but I am having problems from the start of this year. His family’s financial condition has improved, he got his first vehicle, he has got a very big bunch of friends, he has started improving his looks and personality, he is an extremely good looking guy, he knows it and has become overconfident and is full of pride, all these sudden changes in him have actually changed him, his attitude towards me. He doesn’t give me time, is nowadays always irritated at me, does not do all the sweet things he used to do for me etc. We had many arguments on this and all he says is that I am getting insecure and am nagging and irritating him, he asks me to “chill” he has suddenly developed a severe interest in making female friends. He behaves differently in front of gals as if to impress them. I was in a severe depression for 2 months I looked like a maniac, did not maintain myself because he suddenly had almost stopped talking to me. He was flirting with another gal. I lost my complete self esteem. If he is good to me my day is good. I am completely dependent on him and I hate myself for it. I want to break my dependence on him. I don’t have good friends, I don’t have any talents or hobbies, I feel so dumb and worthless. I am obsessed of him. I even visited a counsellor regarding this. I have no respect as I go begging for his attention. He has a life apart from me which I don’t have. The guy says he loves me a lot and that we have a future together but I doubt that he will ever go against his parents for me as our caste is different. I love him a lot since childhood and I am very possessive about him. I just want you to tell me how to break the dependency. The problem is with me. He has every right to enjoy his life and an individual space and personality. Please help me.
Ans. I am glad you realise that the problem is with you and not him. He seems to have moved on and changed. Change is inevitable as people grow up and sometimes grow out of old relationships. Your friend of childhood seems to have done just that as he is experimenting with new girls, flirting with them, focusing on his body and looks and ignoring him. Try to understand him with an objective view from a distance and study his behaviour and needs. If he finds you a hindrance in his new life he might have dropped you from his mind or else he wants freedom to explore and experiment for some time and then come back and settle with you. In either situation you are going to be hurt so you will have to take a call. A few sessions of personality improvement will help you develop your mental strength and be strong and self reliant. A dependant person always becomes an irritant for any one soon enough. So grow up and grow out of your weaknesses. Keep talking to him as a normal friend and give him a long rope of freedom. Take some time for yourself and give him his. If all goes well as he says he might propose to you at the right time. You are still young and have age on your side.