“Personality limitations can be overcome”
Q. My daughter was married a year and half ago. She is not happy and wants to come back. She lives in another country and we are worried about the whole thing. We have tried talking to her over phone and she keeps crying a lot. It pains me and my husband to see her but we fail to understand her real problem. The boy seems good and well behaved but she seems to not adjust to a foreign land. She is our only daughter and child. How to help her? Can you help her in some way? Please tell us we will come to meet you. We too live in another town close to Nagpur.
Ans. This appears to be more of an adjustment problem in a foreign land and being away from parents for the first time. Single children who are protected enough and have not experienced living alone can face this challenge of fending for themselves all alone. If her husband is a good man but does not help with domestic chores, she can find the situation daunting. If she not too social and cannot make friends easily, she can be left very lonely while he is away to work for long hours. She must be feeling inadequate in handling her new life and new country with no friends to fall-back on and may want your help and support. Before she further slips into depression, you could visit her and stay with her for some months and settle her a little. Secondly, we could start tele-counselling sessions (online consultations through skype or WhatsApp) with her immediately and we could try to understand the details of her dilemma. To begin with you could visit me and tell me more details so that we have an accurate picture and then we could proceed further with her. Meanwhile do not panic, calm your mind, assure her that you are there to help her in all ways and also that she is welcome to come back if nothing works. But give it a good try first in a sincere way.
Q. Can you help with my child with learning problems? We have just recently transferred to the city newly and don’t know much about the place. We read your column and thought you could help us. He likes the school we have admitted him in but finds the studies tough here. He was a favourite student in his last school and class and did well in studies. He had minor problems with maths and science but he was coping well. Now he does not want to exert his time and efforts in working hard over his studies. He is a smart kid and loves to play and no study -this is worrying me a lot.
Ans. As the levels of subjects go up the child may want to escape the burden of studies and get into play. You mention that he did have minor problems with maths and science and now he is shirking it. With his new class and new teachers and different methods of teaching, he may find the two subjects not worth the trouble or too much to handle. He could easily blame it on the new school, new teachers although he likes the school and attends regularly. Give him some time to settle in his new surroundings and make new friends. Children may develop the tendency to shirk subjects that are tough to them. This certainly spoils their habits in the long run but in the short run it is okay to allow them to relax a bit. Keep a watch over him and gently keep coaxing him to put more efforts. Alternately you could hire a private tutor at home for maths and science and lastly bring him for counselling sessions. We will bring down his mental blocks and clear his starting problems!
Q. This is a very peculiar situation madam. Maybe you have never seen or heard a case like this. It is about our friends -a couple that was married 15 years ago and we always thought they are a happy couple. They have no children and recently we heard some rumours about them which was shocking. I cannot believe it and don’t want to think it is true. They live like friends and nothing more. This is what I heard. Can something be done about it?? Can we friends do something about it? What is the way out?
Ans. This can be true and I have seen several such couples -it is strange and peculiar as you say but life is stranger than fiction it is said. The situation can be rectified by psychological intervention and then medical intervention if needed. A lot of sincere effort is needed from the couple and then with the help of the psychologist and the doctor miracles can happen. Some investigations may be required initially. All can be well and happy with the couple- they can lead a normal life.