“Romantic relationship is not a trophy”- 17 June 2012

Q. I am a girl of 25 years and have been dating a boy for 4 years now. My parents have started pressurizing me for seeing arranged proposals. They are very open for a love marriage but the only problem is that my boyfriend says he is not ready to involve parents at this point in time. He is 27 now and his parents also want him to get married. I do not understand why he is not telling his parents.

A. Your boyfriend’s behaviour is very unclear here. Has he told you he will marry you? If he hasn’t then I think you must see the red line and withdraw; but if he has then it’s important to understand his state of mind. You need to ask him specific reasons of not involving the parents. Are his parents against love marriage or will they have problems with your background, caste etc. If they have then you need to test and judge from his general behaviour if he can stand up against his parents. But if his parents are liberal, his education is over and he is financially stable then again, you need to put your step down. Give a dead line, tell him that you have to start seeing boys because of your parents or tell them about your relationship.

Q. Recently I went out for drinks with some friends where I got drunk and became intimate with one of my very close friends. The problem is that, at that time, I was dating another girl who my friend was unaware of. Now, I have realised my true feelings for my friend and have broken up with my girl friend of 2 years, but she came to know from a common friend that I was dating when all that happened and so, she has kept absolutely no contact after that night. Now, I have lost both! What do I do?

A. A romantic relationship is not a trophy that you win or lose. Even though you say you have ‘lost’ both I would say it’s good because you have at least realised that you were really not in love with your girl friend. You believe that the friend you got intimate with; may have felt betrayed and hence is not ready to trust again. Has she told you that directly or given hints about it? If so then you need to prove how committed you can be from your actions and not words but, if she hasn’t and still she is totally avoiding you after that night, it’s also possible that she is not interested and looks at the incident as only something that happened when you were not in your correct mind. You need to analyse the situation better and consider a different perspective.

Q. I am married for a year now and was happy until an old friend who I really liked and who turned me down called me and confessed his feelings of love for me, 3 months back. I feel guilty to say, but all my old feelings for him returned to me. I broke all contacts with him after that conversation. He hasn’t tried to contact me ever since, but I haven’t been able to remove that incident and his thoughts from my head. This is affecting my married life but I can’t tell my husband about it. I am scared. I want to save my marriage but an unhappy marriage is being unfair. Please help.

A. Your being married complicates this issue to make it too big. But, there is never a situation that can’t be overcome. You are right; an unhappy marriage in this case will be being unfair to all the 3 involved. Before any action what is most important is for you to understand your true feelings. You need to review certain facts very carefully – reasons why this boy turned you down, your relationship with your husband, nature and intensity of your feelings towards this boy and your expectations from the future. All other things that you consider as important may be important but not so much to determine your future. Transparency in any relationship is important but its extent must be determined by the kind of people involved! If you feel trapped in confusion, consider counselling seriously. Your actions could turn into grave mistakes that you can’t afford to do!

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