Unwilling adjustments lead to resentments – 6th October 2019
“Unwilling adjustments lead to resentments”
Q. My wife is having an affair and I know it from some time. I waited patiently and also explained to her indirectly. I cooperated with her too much and I feel she takes me for granted. She does not care for my feelings and follows her own sweet will. I am now getting very angry and irritated for small things. The problem is I love her very much. I don’t want to separate from her but make her realise my love for her. We had a good life together for many years and I encouraged her to be independent and make friends outside and go to meet them. I never forced her to earn but she goes to work in an office part time and met this guy there. I am much troubled and depressed. Please guide me properly how to solve this problem.
Ans. You may have a point in feeling that ‘she takes you for granted’. You may be a soft and sentimental person and she knows your weakness. She is hence exploiting you to her advantage. Since you have tolerated this ‘clandestine affair’ for a long time and given hints to her on several occasions it is perhaps time to make a confrontation. As a submissive person it makes you anxious to do that for fear of precipitating matters (she might say she will leave you) and since you don’t want that you tolerate and suffer. It is time for you perhaps to make a choice in your own mind and take a decision to face her. The options are few in a marriage situation- you give her some time to make a choice between you and the other man. Tell her to choose one or the other and set a deadline. Give her the consequences of her choice- if she chooses him you would file for a separation. Once she knows you are serious in your intent, it will force her to think deeply and stop taking you for granted. It might work in your favour. But you will have to strategize it properly for it to work.
Q. Me and my husband don’t see eye to eye anything. We love each other and have two sons who are doing well in studies and are good in behaviour. But our habits clash all the time. I want to read, he wants to watch TV; I want to be at home and he wants to go out and meet his friends. I like sober colours and he likes bright colours! I like simple food and he is a foodie! It’s an everyday problem and I have been adjusting to his needs but now……….what should give me some peace and happiness in my heart?
Ans. This is so common a situation! I am sure you have found a way to deal with this in a peaceful way. You are feeling you give in to his needs and neglect yours which is now beginning to bother you? Well there is a difference between ‘adjusting’ and ‘accepting’. When you accept the way your husband is and when you evaluate the way your nature is, you should have learned to make a balance between independence and inter-dependence. Unwilling compromises and adjustments lead to resentments and hostilities in the mind which surface and bother you now. Rather than doing this it is better to communicate your needs and negotiate them. It may be possible that your husband does not know your needs and may not hence appreciate your feelings of resentment. It is not easy but possible and the best option for peace and harmony for all. Meet me if you still feel troubled.
Q. I can’t handle my child anymore and he is getting more bad in behaviour. He watches mobile, plays games on mobile, does not like it if told to study and does not want to listen to parents at all. He shuts his door and locks it from inside and we don’t know what he does. We question him on his habits and he gets angry and rude. My husband is now also worried about him. He only listens to his grandma and she is also now worried about him. Should we bring him for counselling? Does it help or will he get more angry with us? He has boards next year. Please guide us -is something wrong with him?
Ans. When the child begins to control you it is a very difficult and serious situation. You need to solve this equation as soon as possible. Yes, you should bring him for counselling because if both parents fail to communicate effectively to the child you need mediation. We can help you understand his needs and communicate effectively with him. As parents you are responsible for his life and future till a certain age and then set him free to do what he likes. I hope you both parents and the grandma are in agreement with each other on child rearing practices? When there is a conflict between elders themselves on handling the child, the child can take advantage and choose the easiest route for himself to make himself comfortable. There may be factors at home that need correction from you adults. As you focus on that things will change with him too. But do come for a few sessions of counselling.